#it should be good enough quality to even print if you want to (unless tumblr fucks up the quality)

[maukuja]

A little something I spent the previous month drawing, a birthday birthmas gift for my friend, mutual and Rui enjoyer @killjoy-prince !! I hipe you have a great birthday Prince!!

[trashyeggroll]

Please explain appeal of Danolsen to me cuz I honestly don't get it! My blocks for shipping it currently - it feels like a make up for Kara/Jimmy being broken up so fast not an organic pairing. There's no filler to their relationship it's all just cute looks this season. Kelly in S5 feels like she could be replaced with extra of the week & nothing would change sadly. So why should I ship Danolsen 2.0 when I could just rewatch Sanvers stuff or another show?

Ok ok ok wait, parameters here. What are the terms of the discussion?

filler vs cute looks: usually I would use the word filler to describe vapid or irrelevant content (“empty calories”); in the context of your message, I think you mean substantive storylines vs the cutesy moments?

Danolsen vs Dansen: just so I don’t confuse myself, if I say Danolsen it’s Kara/James and Dansen is Alex/Kelly

Some overhead disclaimers from me:

1. While Dansen and ThunderGrace are often used as examples of white wlw rejecting wlwoc, we’re talking about an entire media landscape and the experience of being in wlw fandom spaces online, whether this hellsite or AO3 or whatever.

There are a lot more ships of varying degrees of development/duration involving women of color out there, across networks. All American has Coop/Patience. I hear Annalise Keating’s storyline is all unfolding around her wlw identity in How to Get Away with Murder. Proven Innocent made me cry with the romance between Madeline and Wren. Charmed has had like four or five romantic interests for Mel Vera. Freya and Keelin got fckn married in The Originals, and they’re still married in the sequel spinoff.

And if you spend enough time looking for wlw content around this site, you’ll see that white wlw are watching whole series and movies even the single gifset of wlw content… but it’s never these couples. “This fandom” and “that fandom”, whatever—but it’s almost never interracial couples or wlwoc. Why? Why do people spend the time writing whole apologisms for Gentleman Jack and the predatory behavior of Anne Lister, but they “just don’t see it” for healthy relationships? Why is it more appealing to watch fascist propaganda ruining the lore of witches, cheering on the love of someone who isn’t even aware that the person she loves is part of a massive campaign to force people to die by suicide en masse?

And we see when media rises and passes from blog to blog, too. Word of mouth is absolutely a thing, even here on the ol’ tumblr, so we see how a single kiss from a series circulates like wildfire and a whole gifset of ThunderGrace gets no notes—over and over and over and ov

2. Whenever this topic pops off in the Discourse, almost without fail, and a white wlw reacts to the above questions, it’s about “chemistry” or an adjacent concept. Again, this isn’t about one single ship—it’s about black women and nonblack poc being told their ships just have “no spark” over and over and over and ov

3. While there is logic to comparing ships in terms of quality, duration, and volume of content in order to assess who reasonably or “rightfully” gets more attention or dedication, that’s all just subjective and honestly sounds like bull to me. See #1.

4. Unless you’re a Trump voter, you’re most likely reading these posts and going, but I’m not racist, and I’m only one person. It’s easy to say. But we are all a product of a racist, xenophobic system, and at the end of the day, you can do what you want, watch what you want, but if you get defensive about these indirect callouts… It’s up to you to put words to why that is.

Ok, parameters set, now I’ll get to SG—

Making up for Danolsen: Honestly I highly doubt that that’s what the writers were trying to do—it’s an entirely different couple? Unless the implication is that they’re trying to treat an interracial couple better, which… is a good thing? I’m of the mind that SG added Azie because the cast would be almost entirely white once Mehcad left. Remember, Kelly Olsen was not introduced as a love interest for Alex, but the actresses thought their chemistry was too good, and they asked for it, which I thought… is exactly what we want from shows. I think the fact that she’s James’ sister is arbitrary, just a means to plug her into the story, and they’ve been winging it since then.

Dansen content in season five: I guess there are multiple elements to this, but for the “no filler” bit—the question is what kind of filler you want. They had lots of romantic moments early in the season, and then continued to be happy and in love. So is the content you want relationship drama or storylines that cut closer to the core of each episode? Because when I go back and look at Sanvers, there was a lot of pain and struggle in that relationship, which is sometimes how they go until people get their bearings, but ya’ll… It doesn’t have to be that way. There was Kelly’s PTSD moment and subsequent breakup with Alex, but they resolved that in one episode and… that’s a good thing, too. They talk about things, openly and truthfully, without shame or strife, and that’s what a good relationship should look like, whether it’s wlw or any other variation.

Like I get that the meat and potatoes of TV romance has always been friction. No story without conflict, right? But I worry that the insistence that Sanvers had so much more chemistry is largely based on the sharp rises and falls, which yeah produce lots of emotions and stirring words and speeches with clauses that you can print on a shirt, but that type of relationship will always burn out, or burn you out, if you don’t figure out how to prevent it from getting to that point.

So what I’m saying is, see #2. Nobody has to do anything or support anyone, but there’s no absolute truth to interpretation of a relationship. I’m sure I am preferential to Dansen over non-canon ships like SuperCorp because I’m old and married and I move through the world as a team with my badass wife, and that’s what I see for them. Kelly brought Alex her lunch and Alex practically squealed with delight even though they definitely woke up in the same bed a little while earlier.

And what’s confusing to me too is, you don’t have to stop shipping Sanvers? That relationship existed, the content is there, the storyline was ended with a padlock? (Folks: Please do not ever stay with someone hoping they will change their mind about having kids) But you can also look at how happy your fave is with her new girl and see it for them? Maybe kudos some fics, reblog a couple gifsets, not tweet about them lacking chemistry?

At the end of the day, a tension here is that the big picture makes fandom spaces feel hostile and dismissive towards fans of color, especially black women. How is someone supposed to feel when they finally have a complex, long lasting wlwoc relationship in front of them, and it’s constantly degraded for “chemistry” reasons while all the white ships, even ones with zero canon content, float to the top and get all the art and content that we are all here to enjoy? The whole issue is that fandom and culture are, and have always been, lenses into society and people’s worlds. It’s a question of empathy and openness and accountability, and it’s not just about one ship versus another.

[hegodamask]

I think you've already talked about this before but I couldn't find the post on your Tumblr, so I was just wondering what your process was for making animated gifs. Like what methods you use to make them, what software you use, etc? Also, what parts do you find most fun or difficult or challenging? I've started making some animated gis, and while I don't know if I'll ever be nearly as prolific as you are, I was interested in learning more about them.

Oh hey! Thank you!! I don’t think I’ve ever gone through the process of how I make gifs in detail before, mainly because I don’t use Photoshop so I just assume my advice won’t be helpful to anybody. I don’t know how helpful this will be to you, but I’ve done a little step by step walkthrough of how I make a gif with a few general pointers thrown in. I was gonna try and keep it brief but it turned out much longer…..sorry.

I’ve put what I find most difficult and fun at the end, so you can just skip to that if you want.

As for the rest, here goes….

So, background: I taught myself how to make gifs using Serif Photoplus X2 because we used their products in highschool. Then a few years later, I updated to Photoplus X7 (made hardly any difference though). Serif doesn’t even make the Photoplus range anymore (they still sell X8 but it’s rubbish and crashes a lot, and their new product Affinity doesn’t even let you make gifs!). I’ve tried to use Photoshop in the past and everyone says it’s better, but I’m stuck in my ways like the stubborn old woman I am.

Anyways, when I want to make a gif I start off by capturing screenshots for the frames. I’ve always used GOM Player and their “Burst Capture” option to do this. GOM Player lets you choose the format your images are saved as and where you want the frames saved to. I have a special “captures” folder for temporarily storing the files in. So for example, these are my frames:

A good general tip for making gifs with any software is to use the best quality video you can find. Most of the stuff I make is with 1080p or 720p quality. I find it helps when it comes to colouring and making the gif look clearer.

Once I have my captures, I copy them into my animation “canvas” (or SPP file) which has a base colouring I’ve already made on it. It’s kind of like a PSD on Photoshop. I select my captures and drag them onto the canvas which looks like this:

The canvas is 1080p, the same as the captures but everything will be resized later. I originally captured 100 screenshots here, but I’ve decided to use only 40 in the end because I want to make a 540px width gif. If I used all 100 frames for a 540px gif it would end up being way over the 3mb limit and it wouldn’t work on Tumblr.

Now this is where the time consuming work comes in for me. Once my captures have been copied into the SPP file, they actually become layers which I have to turn into gif frames (if that makes sense). So at the moment they look like this

But I don’t have any actual frames yet at the bottom of the screen. So what I do next is go to the layers tab at the top of the screen and click “hide layers”, making them all invisible

Then basically what I do next is create a frame at the bottom and assign an individual capture to it by clicking the little grey square (making it visible again). So as you can see, my first frame is for my first capture/layer. The next frame will be the capture/layer on top of that.

So yeah, that means I create each frame individually. It’s veeery time consuming but you get quicker at it the more you do it (it’s also faster to do on a laptop touch pad rather than a mouse.). 

Once I’ve created all my frames, I reselect the colouring layers at the top so they’re visible on every frame. It should look like this

Next, you need to crop your gif and resize it. I want my gif to be 540px by 270px so I put 54.00 and 27.00 into the crop feature to get it accurate. This allows me to crop the canvas into the right dimensions.

Once I’ve cropped the canvas, I then go to the Image tab at the top and click “Image Size…” and set the image size to 540px by 270px. I usually ignore the Print Size bit.

540px is the best size for a full width Tumblr gif, anything bigger or smaller will make your gif look blurry. This gifset is a good guide for making sure Tumblr doesn’t blur or crop your gifs.

My gif is almost ready to be exported. But I want it to look clearer, so I sharpen all the layer/captures (yes, individually again). I have no settings for sharpening, but I find using the standard “Sharpen” effect under the “Effects” tab is enough. 

Once I’ve sharpened everything, I get to the colouring and exporting which is the biggest challenge for me. Photoplus’ options for exporting gifs are limited, so the only decent export options are these

“Web-safe” and “Ordered” makes the gif look like this

“Optimized” and “None” makes it look like this. Okay, but the background looks low quality and patchy

“Optimized” and “Error Diffusion” is the only one that to me, looks the best quality. That’s probably why it produces the bigger file size too (the gif below is 2.78mb)

But there’s other downsides to Error Diffusion which I’m still trying to figure out to this day.  Like how it makes parts of the gif “glitch” (that’s the only way I can describe it) or look extra fuzzy. The only way you can fix it is by playing around with the colouring. And by “playing” I mean adjusting and previewing until you want gouge ur eyes out :)

I think that’s why I like giffing The Terror so much, because the film they used has a grainy texture to it, making it easier to hide all my Error Diffusion sins. Though there’s been many times I’ve posted something and hoped no one’s noticed all the mistakes. 

Some general tips for colouring

Unless you’re going for a certain effect, emphasise on the colours that are already in the shot. In my gif  above for example, I turned up the blues and cyans.

Use Levels or Curves instead of Brightness and Contrast.

Zoom in on your gif to spot any Error Diffusion glitches.

Be mindful about whitewashing POC, especially if you’re following the pastel gif trend.

Look at how other people colour their gifs and use PSDs for reference but don’t rely on them too much.

Colouring can increase or decrease the gif file size. If you need to get below 3mb, try toning down super vibrant colours. If the shot you’re giffing is dark, make it a bit darker. If it’s light, make it a bit lighter. 

If all else fails, just make the gif black and white.

Reading all this back makes how I make gifs look like a nightmare lmao. But I’ve been doing it this way since like, 2012 and i love it. I started out making very bad Star Wars and Lady Gaga gifs but as time has gone on and I’ve gotten better, I’ve found I enjoy making things for smaller fandoms much more. I like that if I want a certain set or edit on my blog, I can just go and make it (with varying degrees of success) instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

You appreciate the work that goes into making a movie or show when you make gifs too. Like, you notice subtle little things in the actors performances or something the cinematography is trying to convey. You get to revisit a scene in detail and then share it with everybody else and if you’re lucky, watch them scream in the tags get some nice comments.

There’s lots of other stuff I like about making gifs but I’ve rambled on far too much so I’m just gonna shut up for now. But I think I’ve covered all the important stuff. I don’t know how much of a help I’ve been (there’s still stuff I don’t understand myself) but if there’s anything else you want to know just drop me a message. Good luck with your own gifs!! I’m sure you can do  a much better job than me!

[pictureamoebae]

Sorry if you have answered this already, but after using SRWE with dimensions 4K(3840 x 2160), what should I resize the screenshots to in Photoshop so I can upload them and still preserve quality?

Hi anon, great question.

It depends what you’re resizing for.

I keep all the original large sizes and upload them to flickr, partly as a backup and partly in case I ever want to do anything with them that requires a larger size (like printing).

For tumblr or twitter, or any other random site I want to upload a jpg to rather than the original png, I resize landscape orientation shots to 2560px across, and square and portrait orientation shots to 1920px across.

Now, the largest size tumblr displays is 1280px width in their lightbox, but some themes will display larger pictures than that.

My monitor has a resolution of 2560x1440, which is why I choose those sizes — it means that depending on the layout of the website I’m uploading to I might well be able to fill the screen with my pictures and show off plenty of detail (I used to post to the neogaf screenshot threads, for example, and they’d show up nice and big). Of course, if you have a 4k monitor 1440p shots will look smaller, just like 1080p shots do on my monitor. But 4k monitors are still relatively rare, and 4k file sizes start getting pretty big.

That’s what *I* do, but your needs might be different. Think about the largest size you’re likely to want to display the pictures at. As I said, tumblr dashboard sizes pictures down to 1280px, so if you’re only ever going to post on here that’s a good size to go for (unless you have a hi-res theme that can display bigger sizes).

What you’re doing when you resize the pictures is called downsampling. In theory, the smaller you go the sharper and cleaner the picture will look, because it’s squishing all that lovely detail and all those wonderful pixels into a tighter space, so you don’t see any gaps between them (this is why it’s an excellent method of anti-aliasing). However, once you start getting too small you can’t see any of that lovely detail you captured with the larger picture size to begin with — not without squinting and using a magnifying glass anyway.

So it’s a balancing act. If you have a powerful enough PC, taking shots at the highest resolution possible means you get the best results when downsampling/resizing afterwards. But even at 4k you get really good results resizing down to 1440p or 1080p, so I wouldn’t worry about that too much.

Like I said, think about how you want to display your pictures, and resize accordingly for that. And consider keeping the original somewhere in case you need to resize it differently in the future, or want to create something with your shots, like beautiful wall art for your home (when printing, the bigger the picture the better the quality).

[s-n-arly]

A Peek into the Indie Writer World – Part V: Presenting as a Professional

Also available on s-n-arly.com, should that prove a more viewer-friendly venue.

For the first article in this series, check out Part I. Or if you just missed the previous article, check out Part IV.

⁂

As an independently published writer, you are a professional and it’s in your interest (and in the interest of your fellow indie writers) that you present as a professional. We aren’t so far removed from the era where self-published authors were automatically dismissed as ‘not good enough for real publishing.’ While the majority of the population now recognizes indie authors as professionals, you’ll still encounter people who need to be convinced.

How do you get taken seriously? What can you do to ensure the image you’re broadcasting is professional?

The key places where your professionalism comes into play, in bullet format for those with very little time:

Website

Social Media

Email

Live Networking

Book Covers

Book Content

The more specific details regarding those key places to put your professionalism in place:

Website

A website is a must, even if it’s minimalist. Other than finding your books on sites like Amazon, this is one of the top places people will look to see how legit you are (or appear to be). This can include potential customers, the media, library purchasing departments, and schools or conferences looking for speakers.

Spring for the domain registry

Makes you easier to find

Implies greater dedication to your writing career

The cost is often bundled in with website hosting services (make sure you own the domain, so you can switch services and take it with you)

Go with a theme and colors that will speak to your audience

Hire someone to set things up if you don’t have the skills to do it yourself

Include or incorporate high quality photos

Your own if you have them

If using others’ photos, have the proper permission and credit as required

Use open source or free stock photography sources, crediting as required

Keep it current and engaging

Minimal is okay

About page – information about you the writer, genre, areas of expertise, and anything that will help your audience relate to you

Publications – your publishing history and/or where to purchase your work

Contact page – can be as simple as an email link or a web form

Consider a built-in blog for dynamic content

Announcements, appearances and news

Release information

Teasers

Social Media

Blogs and social media can help you build up and engage with your audience. Make sure you’ve picked a platform that hits your target readers. You don’t have to spend hours every week on a blog or forum if that’s not your thing, just keep it relevant and regular. A mostly dead Tumblr or Twitter won’t do you any favors.

Ensure that your interactions and posts are professional.

Avoid over-sharing or inappropriate assumptions of intimacy

The internet is forever; consider whether your posts could come back to haunt you

Approach controversial material in a way that is consistent with or related to your writing philosophy or your work

Eg: My blog includes real world social and political issues that are reflected in my stories and my approach to world building

Be careful not to alienate your audience with content that has no bearing on your work

Do not bully others (yes there are writers who do this) and engaging in flame wars will likely reflect poorly

If you mess up, damage control involves a real apology and future caution

Present yourself in the way you want your fans to see you

Be friendly and open to interactions if you want fans to find you approachable

Be a bit aloof or distant, if you’re aiming for more space

Be cautiously prickly if that’s who you are, but keep in mind that being an asshole will only chase fans away

Email

You should establish an email account specifically for your writing. This doesn’t have to run through your own domain if that doesn’t fit your budget. Select your email address carefully.

Easy to share and remember

Matches your author name or what you write

Doesn’t feel too casual unrelated to your writing work

Live Networking

Take advantage of the opportunities to network with readers and other writers in person. This can result in a valuable peer group, name recognition, and readership. While participating in these activities, you don’t need to wear a suit and schmooze like venture capitalist to present as a professional. Look up photos of these events and see what people tend to wear, and find something in your wardrobe that works and is comfortable for you.

Conventions – most genres have events where fans and creators get together

Volunteer and participate in programming you have an interest or expertise in

Attend the parties and meet people

Conferences – many genres have events for creators to discuss topics of interest and build their craft

Attend meet-ups or lunches

Readings – these can be held in bookstores, libraries, and at events like conventions and conferences

Prepare and practice your piece

You are in the limelight, be sure to shine

At any of these events, socialize with people you don’t know, even if that’s hard for you. You don’t need to meet everyone and you don’t have to try to impress people with exaggerations or lies. Just be yourself, unapologetically, and try to have interesting conversations. Listen at least as much as you talk, if not more. Swap contact information with people you may want to keep in touch with, and do follow up with them on social media.

Book Covers

Your book cover functions as your advertisement of the work; it sells the book. This is one of the places where a lot of indie authors make mistakes that result in an amateurish and unprofessional appearance. You can search online for “bad book covers” to get hundreds of examples of covers that have done more harm than good, and yes, some of them have been produced by big publishers.

If you don’t have the skills to design your covers, it’s in your interest to pay someone to do this. If you do have the skills to create your own covers, it’s still a good idea to run your drafts by a group of trusted individuals to identify any horrible mishaps you may have missed.

Book Content

The final piece of presenting yourself as a professional, is ensuring that your printed work meets the standards in the industry. This includes ensuring that you’ve told the best story you can, and that it is as free of spelling and grammatical errors as possible. It can be very helpful to get constructive feedback from fellow writers or beta readers, in case you’ve missed something. If editing isn’t your strong suit, paying a copy editor is not a bad idea.

In addition to the story itself, you also need to ensure your story looks good on the page, whether it’s digital or print. Pay attention to layout guidelines as these can influence whether the book looks professionally produced.

Margins – top, bottom and outside edges

Gutter – inside edges near the fold

Story title and author name in headings, often alternating

Page number in the footer

Printed work also needs properly set up front matter.

Title page, on a right page

Copyright page, on a left page, usually the other side of the title page

Acknowledgments, on a right page

A blank left page, unless your acknowledgments run two pages (which should be avoided in fiction)

Table of contents (TOC), on a right page

First page of the story, on a right page (there may be a blank left page between the TOC and the story’s first page)

Front matter can determine whether your book meets requirements for wide distribution.

Most of your steps for presenting as a professional don’t have anything to do with your actual writing, and it may be easiest to think of it as the marketing side of the indie writer’s job. It’s often easier to start out with your level of caution and professionalism set a bit higher than you think you need, as it’s unlikely to offend anyone. As you get more comfortable with the various venues, you can assess and adjust if your default is too far in one direction or another.

⁂

Proceed to Part VI.

For more articles on writing, check out my Reflections From the Sol section.

[buttercupsfrocks]

Hey, Tumblr, did you know that there’s an Interior Design Police as well as a Fashion Police?! Strangely neither did I until I stumbled upon a listicle entitled 75 Things No Woman Over 50 Should Own on the delusionarily titled bestlifeonline.com. There, along with the usual arbitrary selections of sartorial crimes against humanity, (tracky bottoms, skinny scarves, bolero jackets), were the following:-

Tapestries. (What, even if one designed and made them oneself, comme ça?)

Neon signs.

A piggy bank.

Novelty salt and pepper shakers, (Oops!)

A vinyl tablecloth. 

Novelty pillows. (Dang!)

A rolodex.

Indoor wicker furniture.

A lava lamp. (Who doesn’t love a lava lamp? Not this fully paid up B52s fan, I can assure you).

A dish of seashells.  (D’oh! Missed the memo again).

Framed autographs (yep, got one of those too).

Talk about random. And there’s more; much more. It appears I should have jettisoned my giant pin boards at least twenty years ago, along with my magnifying mirror, stuffed animals, coloured pens, fairy lights, frameless posters, cheap mismatched silverware, decorations based on cartoon characters, mismatched towels, striped wallpaper, tassels, and elaborate keychains. (They’d have a blue fit if they knew that one of my keychains has both a twiddly fake key and a tassel on it). In fact the entire website is little more than an endless litany of stuff you should feel ashamed about owning, wearing, and in some cases, even saying. Like I totes can’t say “totes” – me, a writer, who loves slang so much she has at least a bookshelf-and-a-half dedicated to it. I also can’t say: “OMG”,  “humblebrag”, “talk to the hand”, “fauxpology”, “sorry not sorry”, “I can’t even”, “as if”, “sus”, (a term in common UK parlance among people of all age groups for the duration of my lifetime), “ship”, (fuck you; Spuffy forever), and…wait for it…”adulting”, even though I plainly know a good deal more about doing it than the embarrassingly embarassable twelve year old ninny who probably wrote the article.

And still on the subjects of lists that give me the right royal pip, there’s thelist.com. 

“If you are familiar with Dr Martens, you are too old to wear them.” 

I’m sorry, what now?! 

“We know those Crocs and orthopaedic shoes are super comfy, but they're not doing you any favours. There's something to be said for smart, sensible footwear, but you don't have to sacrifice your style and give away your age just to save yourself a few blisters”.

Unless of course you suffer with any kind of condition that dictates you  have to wear fugly orthopaedic footwear, as numerous older people do. And blisters are the least of my problems, bub. Believe me the bunting and party hats come out when I can persuade anything approaching normal-looking footwear to accommodate my orthotics. Doc Martens are one of the precious few options available to me. I am, incidentally, feeling especially “salty” (another word my age precludes me from using), about this right now as, having discovered I can sometimes wear sandals with a moulded orthotic-like sole, these Office sandals... 

...which I genuinely love and desperately wanted to rock this summer, damn near crippled me when I tried them on. 

For all the blather about older women being able to cast off the shackles of convention and wear what we please, (or whatever the expert du jour thinks is within reason), the same unspoken assumptions that prevail in mainstream ladymedia are present in spades on these websites. Nobody reading could possibly be fat, or if they are they’re assumed to be fighting their poor beleaguered bodies unto death. The only chub ever alluded to, (albeit soto voce), is “middle aged spread”, but only the vestigial kind that can be miraculously rendered  invisible by the belting of an “unflattering” oversized garment in the middle. 

“Show off your curves by adding a cute belt to that dress or coat. It will accentuate your shape and let you still wear those comfortable items in your wardrobe without looking like you're wearing a muumuu.”

Never mind that I quite like wearing a muumuu, far from showing off my curves, belting any of my coats would make me look like the Albert Hall, which while undoubtably a Look, is not one I’m after.  

“Balance is important when it comes to crafting a stylish look. Wearing oversized clothing disrupts that delicate equilibrium and unintentionally ages you.”  

What. Ever. 

The hectoring never lets up. 

“There really is no such thing as grown up glitter when it comes to apparel, so it's best to accept that fact and avoid glittery tops, bottoms, and everything else!” 

“Dressing like the '80s or '90s can be fun for a party, but being attached to a trend from your youth can look tired and disconnected and therefore can make one age themselves.” 

“Large prints, especially on a tight clothing item like leggings, are an avoid-at-all-costs look. They are just too loud and aren't a piece that helps you look your best”

Among the ten items everyday.health.com bans me from wearing on account of my encroaching dotage are “too trendy denim”. Apparently I’m “not in my element” with it so my hard work was all for nought. Also verboten are oversized, overly decorated hobo bags, cheap unflattering underwear; (fat chance of finding cheap underwear in plus-sizes anyway though apparently I should do like the Sainted Gwyneth and wear Spanx under everything. Because she totally needs to and I so enjoy colic); and…wait for it…wait for it...  

...“loud accessories”. This includes, horror of horrors, plastic earrings, which apparently I forfeited the right to wear at 35. (Do they count vintage phenolic, bakelite, and lucite as plastic I wonder? Because if enough rich older women get dissuaded from wearing it I might actually be able to afford some instead of faking it). Instead I’m exhorted to make a... 

“Stunning Substitute: think quality and quantity. Limit yourself to one funky accessory per outfit – as long as it’s well-made. Think a leopard-print scarf, thin silver bangles or a gold clutch to dress up nice jeans and a simple top”. 

Yeah, no. And, by the way here’s a picture of Helen Mirren in quite the loudest plastic necklace I’ve ever seen which, as you can plainly see, ages her terribly. 

*snort*

Which brings me neatly to the subject of role models. Dame Helen comes up a lot. Here’s Harper’s Bazaar with some more:

“Pay close attention to the way women like Robin Wright, Julianne Moore, and Kristin Scott Thomas dress. And revel in the moment when you can justify shopping for labels like Céline, Calvin Klein, Jil Sander, and the Row — because not all sweaters are created equal. The Perfect Length (not too long, not Rihanna short), with the just-tantalizing-enough neckline, is more than worth the extra zeros”.  

Wow. So much nope to pick apart in just three sentences! 

Firstly, while I’m sure they’re all perfectly charming, I look nothing at all like any of these women, so why would I aspire to their style? Secondly, they have allllllll the extra zeros in their bank accounts while I have zero zeros. Thirdly, even if I could afford any of those labels, (a sweater from The Row costs well over a thousand quid by the way), why the love of little fluffy kittens would anyone think I want to dress like this?

I mean I know I like an oversized garment but I’m good with Monki, thanks. If that lot doesn’t say, “this was the only shit I could find to fit me”, I don’t know what does. And quite what the tiny, terminally haggard looking Olsen twins, who dreamed up the wretched label, would look like in any of this eye-bleedingly expensive folderol I shudder to think. You’d probably need to send in the fire brigade to find them in all that fabric, poor loves.

At its root shaming-as-entertainment is a tool for capitalism, both simple and complex. Feel mortified for owning something age inappropriate? Buy something new and more grown up, preferably at enormous expense. Or, if pay day’s too far off, invest in some garbage gossip rag and bitch about the state of those richer and more famous than you are. It’ll make you feel great for all of five minutes, then you can fill the emptiness that follows in its wake with some cheap fast fashion or cake. Even though cake is naughty and unclean and fast fashion is killing the environment; but hey that’s what diet books (kerching!) and gym memberships (kerching!) and ethical fashion, (with a cut-off size of 16), are for, right? 

Ironically, in yet another catalogue of grievous mistakes to make once you’re over forty, bestlifemyarse.com includes “neglecting your mental health” and “basing yourself-worth on what other people think”. But how the hell are women expected to do that under a constant barrage of opprobrium, not least since also included in the aforementioned list is “avoiding the scale”?

Tumblr, I put it to you that people are just as likely to buy stuff if they’re feeling good about themselves than if they’re feeling shite. I fucking love stuff but there has to be an alternative way to sell it that’s less damaging to our sanity and self esteem. That’s in part why fat women created their own media. But, the more it edges into the mainstream, the more it it puts the wind up advertisers and those who rely on their sponsorship. So now our message – the one about self acceptance and being able to live unrepentantly in the bodies we have – has been appropriated, de-fanged, and rebranded as “Body Positivity”, an ersatz movement intended to reassure average-sized women fretful they might be a little bit fat, with the added proviso, “as long as you’re healthy”, (i.e not fat). And while the net abounds with token examples of older lady bloggers granted the status of fashion maven, they’re all slender as reeds, and most of them are ex-models. Big fucking whoop. Meanwhile anyone of any age who is objectively fat is “promoting obesity” simply by expressing our personal style in public.

My collection of shells incidentally, includes some my mum brought me back from the Channel Islands when I was a child; a conch a friend dove for  in the Virgin Islands and presented me for my 19th birthday; several beauties that held pride of place in a late family friend’s study for decades; an abalone shell from New Zealand plucked from the beach by my Kiwi pal Di; a sand dollar from Ocean Beach in San Francisco given to me by my dear friend Jude who died of secondary breast cancer a few months before Jane did; some pebbles gathered with my friend Lesley in literal sub-zero temperatures on a completely deserted beach one not-so-flaming June up north, both of us in hysterics over the utter bleakness of it all, and a load more shells from the Pembrokeshire coast contributed by my friend Steve’s departed mum back in the 1980s. Even the bowl itself was given to me by Karen, whose parents found it in the attic of their new house and thought I might like it. It’s a veritable a lifetime in shells; a celebration of love and friendship spanning decades. In short it has meaning, which is a damned sight more than you can say for any of these wretched lists.

Rise above the buzzkill, Tumblr.

[master-sass-blast]

Of First Dates and Not So First Kisses.

5 AM editing...

I am so good at adulting.

The latest piece from my hyperfixation hole: You and Piotr Rasputin go on your first date together.

(Set after the fic “Myska” and before (well, partially before) “Dig the Needle In,” both of which you can find on my Tumblr and on Archive of Our Own.)

Warnings: None. Except maybe strong language. Other than that, it’s just pure fluff.

Rating: T. Because Wade.

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin x Reader and vaguely implied Wade Wilson x Nathan Summers.

“No! I refuse to accept this!”

You roll your eyes as Wade flails around dramatically. “Wade, unless your real mutation is bending reality and the subjects therein to your will, you have to accept it.”

“This is art! Art!”

“No, this--” You point at the TV screen, which is currently playing a rerun of Desperate Housewives “--is garbage. Hot, shitty, nasty garbage.”

“Okay, apparently my efforts to reverse your parents’ brainwashing haven’t been as effective as I thought, because there’s no way any sane person in total control of their faculties would say something like that!”

You roll your eyes. Again. “No, Wade, I’m just not stupid enough to believe that daytime drama TV is entertaining.” Before your best friend can start in on another tirade, you add, “And, I mean, come on. If there’s anyone you should be showing this, it’s Cable. They don’t even have TV in the future, Wade. I at least got to experience it for a couple years before my dad got rid of our television set. Point stands, Cable’s situation is far more dire than mine.”

Wade perks up, and it’s obvious from the look on his face that he’s actually buying in to your distraction.

“Besides,” You continue, laying on the persuasion extra thick. “What an excellent opportunity! The two of you, on the couch, watching TV together; it’s practically a quasi-date!”

Wade falters. “Yeah, because everyone’s just lining up to date this face,” he grumbles bitterly.

“Fine.” You switch tactics like the master con artist you are. “Don’t think of it as a date. Just think of it as an opportunity to fill his brain with tons of bullshit about this century while tormenting him with shitty reality drama.”

That does it --because if there’s one thing that motivates Wade more than his Texas-sized crush on Nathan Summers, it’s an opportunity to be an unrepentant asshole. He bounds off to the kitchen --where Nathan is conveniently in the middle of making a sandwich--and loops his arms around the older man’s neck while gushing about ‘quality time’ and ‘historical education.’

You take the opportunity to make your escape --blowing a kiss at Cable when he glares at you, though it’s worth noting that he’s letting Wade lead him to the rec room without too much complaining--and head off in search of your boyfriend, Piotr.

He isn’t in his room, nor is he in the training room. It’s Saturday, so he’s not teaching, and he isn’t grading or lesson planning in one of his classrooms.

A smile lights up your face when you realize where he must be, and you scamper off towards one of the unfinished expansion wings on the mansion.

One of the ongoing goals at Xavier’s is that of expansion --taking in more mutants, reaching more people with the truth about mutants, extending their reach to an international level so they could help mutants around the world... the list goes on and on, but the immediate effects of that mission often manifest in upgrading the mansion or other X-Men facilities.

You walk through the unfinished wing, taking time to relish the unfiltered sunlight and the natural, homey feeling of the space.

The wing, once done, is supposed to serve as extra classrooms for the ever growing group of mutant students and kids that lived at the mansion. However, at your loving badgering, Piotr had asked for an art studio.

It was multi-purposed, he insisted. He could use it for himself, yes, but he also could use it for his students. At any rate, the studio was approved.

Now, he uses it mostly as his personal, private get away whenever the mansion gets too chaotic --one that, according to him, you’re welcome in any time as long as you don’t bring Wade.

You walk up to one of the few doors on its hinges --lovingly painted and decorated with the hand prints of Piotr’s art students--and poke your head into the room.

He’s sitting in an overstuffed arm chair positioned by one of the windows, sketchbook in his lap and face tense with concentration. He looks up when you close the door behind you, and absolutely beams at the sight of you. “Privet, myshka.”

You grin back, unable to resist his infectious happiness. “Hey, big guy.” Your heart hammers in your chest as you walk over to his chair and press a kiss against his lips. It’s only been a few weeks since the two of you decided to get together, and you’re still swept away with giddy energy every time you get to do something remotely couple-y with him.

He smiles up at you, cheeks flushed and face glowing with bashful exhilaration, when you break the kiss. “Is there any particular reason why you’re here?”

“Actually, yeah. I had to escape Wade; he was trying to make me watch garbage TV again.” You sit down on the armrest of the chair and grin at him. “I managed to sic him onto Cable, though. With any luck, he won’t even notice I’m gone.”

Piotr lets out a breathy laugh. “That was devious of you, myshka. I’m not sure Cable deserved that.”

“Hey, he’s just as capable of punching Wade in the face and walking away as anyone else is. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he actually likes spending time with him.”

Your boyfriend simply shakes his head --he’s still smiling though, which means he finds your antics amusing rather than disapproval-worthy--and curls one of his massive hands around one of your considerably smaller ones. “Well, at any rate, I am glad you are here. I wanted to talk to you about something --it actually connects to ‘escapes,’ ironically enough.”

You cock your head to the side, beyond intrigued about whatever’s going to come out of his mouth next. “What’s up, big guy?”

He gazes down at your intertwined hands for a moment, gently running the pad of his thumb over the back of your hand. “I would... I would like to take you on date. Sometime this week.”

“...Really? You want to take me on a date?”

“Da. I want to spend time with you... without others interrupting.”

Well, you’ll be fucked if you’re going to argue with that. You say as much --grinning impishly when Piotr gives you the ‘language’ look--and lean in and kiss him on the cheek. “So, where are you gonna take me, handsome?”

“That is what I wanted to ask you about. I am... not sure where we should go --and you should have a say, too, since this is your first ever date.”

You swing your legs back and forth, heels knocking against the side of the chair as you consider your options. “I trust your instincts, Pete. I don’t think you could pick something that I wouldn’t like, considering that the main thing I want to do is spend time with you.” You can tell that the open-ended-ness of your answer makes him nervous, so you add in a few stipulations for his sake. “I guess... nothing to fancy or upscale. We could do that down the road, if you want, but I kind of just want to hang out and have a good time with you. And I’d rather not do anything at night, I guess. I’d just feel better if we were back here around dinner time.”

He nods --you know he’s taking all this seriously, it is him after all--and squeezes your hand. “Of course, dorogaya moya. Whatever makes you comfortable. Perhaps... lunch date on Wednesday? I can show you some of parks and shops nearby?”

You grin, warm and unbelievably happy. “That sounds perfect.”

The rest of the remaining time until Wednesday is spent trying to nail down the perfect date outfit. You have a several hour consultation with Neena, Yukio, and Ellie --and Wade, because he refuses to be left out of anything--a couple days before the big event to decide what constitutes a good ‘daytime, causal but not too casual lunch date that also includes walking around together.’

Wade got as far as recommending his ‘hooker heels’ as your shoes of choice --Ellie smacked him across the back of the head for that--before Neena kicked him out and took over like the wonderful big sister figure she was.

In the end, the four of you had settled on a soft black t-shirt with a faded Guns’n’Roses logo on the front, a camouflage skirt that fell mid-thigh, a denim vest to go over the shirt, and a pair of low-rise black Converse (considerately loaned to you by Ellie).

You stand in front of your bathroom mirror, carefully tying a red bandanna around your head to act as a headband. Once you’re satisfied with its position, you check over your make up (natural, at Ellie’s suggestion).

You're unexpectedly nervous. You know Piotr’s not going to judge you --or dismiss you--for how you choose to dress, but you really want him to find you pretty. You’re fiddling with your hair when the sound of someone clearing their throat at you catches your attention.

Ellie’s standing in your bedroom, watching you with her usual stoic expression. “He’s ready for you.”

You nod, and let out a nervous huff. “Okay. Show time.”

“Relax. You look fine.” The corner of her mouth turns up in the barest hint of a smile. “Have fun.”

You flash her a thankful smile before you dart out of your room, snatching up your purse as you go. You hurry down the stairs and practically skip out the front door, any nervousness you might have felt far outweighed by the excitement running through your veins.

Piotr’s out on the front drive, leaning against a sleek black car that oozes power and ‘I’m more expensive than your college payments.’ He’s dressed in jeans, nice sneakers, and a light-blue short sleeved button down shirt that he’s tucked into his pants. He smiles, soft and warm, when you dash towards him. “You look nice, myshka.”

“Thanks,” You say, a little breathless from your mad run out of the mansion. “Shall we go?”

He nods, bends to kiss your forehead, and opens your door like the consummate gentleman that he is. Once you’re safely tucked inside, he closes the door and walks over to the driver’s side. “I thought,” he says as he buckles himself in, “we could start by walking through one of the parks.”

You grin and can’t help but shiver a little as the car rumbles to life. “Sounds awesome.”

He drives to a quaint town a little over half an hour away from the mansion. Piotr parks by a lush, quiet park at the edge of the town and immediately gets out of the car to get your door for you.

You smile as you step out and breath in the fresh summer air. The park is filled with different bushes, trees, and outcroppings of flowers. You can hear a stream gurgling nearby, and birds chirp overhead. “This is perfect, Piotr. It’s so beautiful here.”

“This is one of my favorite places to come and draw when mansion is too chaotic. Close enough to be safe, but far enough to, ah, avoid Wade.”

“He’s not all bad.”

“Nyet. But he is... trying.”

You giggle up at him and latch on to his hand. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

The two of you amble through the park, not in any particular hurry to get anywhere. You’re happy to take your time, thoroughly relishing the way Piotr’s fingers sit so naturally between yours, how warm his hand is, the way his voice rumbles as the two of you talk, the soft, bashful smiles he keeps favoring you with whenever you look up at him...

It’s heaven, pure and simple.

“I can see why you like it here,” You say after a stretch of comfortable silence. “It’s peaceful. And gorgeous. What do you draw when you come here?”

“Landscapes, mostly, though I have started to sketch passersby as well.” He ducks his head and lets out a self-depreciating chuckle. “I am... not that talented with faces.”

“I’ve seen your sketch book, which leads me to believe that you’re probably selling yourself short.”

He shrugs and smiles at you. “Who can say? Art is subjective, after all.”

Eventually, you reach the end of the park and step into a stylish downtown area that boasts several locally owned shops and cafes. You meander down the streets with Piotr, stopping every so often to gaze through one of the windows or step inside and check out one of the stores. Your stomach starts gurgling after a while, to which Piotr chuckles and suggests that the two of you find some lunch.

You let him lead you down the street and into a sandwich shop, a mom and pop sort of a place. A college aged waitress with her hair pulled back into a ponytail greets the two of you with a sunny smile --though it’s largely directed at Piotr.

Not that you blame her, necessarily. Be honest. Who wouldn’t?

“I haven’t seen you here in a while,” she says as she picks up a couple menus. “I was wondering if you’d forgotten all about us.”

“Work was... hectic for a bit,” Piotr replies, tacitly side-stepping the fact that he’s a superhero and that his ‘work’ was babysitting a homicidal maniac.

“Story of my life. Who’s your friend? I don’t think I’ve seen her here before.”

“This is my girlfriend,” Piotr introduces you with a smile that absolutely glows. “I wanted to bring her here for our first date.”

The waitress’s sunny smile dims slightly, but she’s still polite. “Well, congratulations! I’ll make sure I sit you two somewhere a little more private so that you aren’t bothered by the noise or other patrons.”

You end up sitting at a table for two that’s by the front of the shop, out of the way of the incoming traffic. It’s well-lit, positioned by one of the store front windows, and provides an excellent view of the charming street outside. Your waitress takes your drink orders and leaves you with the menus, promising to return in a couple moments.

You peruse the menu at a leisurely pace, lulled into a temporary glowing calm by your time spent basking in his unfiltered affection. Fortunately, you know what you’re doing --the first time Wade took you off the mansion grounds you hadn’t had the foggiest idea of how to even order a meal for yourself. He’d taken it upon himself to catch you up on all the skills necessary to survive in the real world; as far as you’re concerned, it’s worked.

After a few minutes of studying, however, you come to the determination that you really don’t know what to order. None of the staples Wade’s introduced you to are on the menu, and --while everything looks good--you don’t know what to pick. You reach across the table and put your hand on Piotr’s. “Whats good here?”

“Everything. I usually order the grilled chicken and vegetable sandwich.”

You can’t help but grin. “Of course. Always the nutritionist.”

“It’s important to be healthy.”

“It is, it is. I’m not sure I’m feeling that virtuous, though.” You feel a flash of satisfaction at the way the tips of his ears turn red and return your focus to the menu in your hands. “The pulled-pork sandwich looks pretty good. I think I’ll go with that.”

Your waitress reappears a few moments later to take your orders --a grilled chicken and veggie sandwich with a fresh fruit side for him and a pulled pork sandwich and fries for you. She takes the menus and disappears into the kitchen, leaving the two of you alone.

Piotr takes your hands in his, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over your knuckles. “You look adorable today, myshka.”

You duck your head, smiling bashfully. “Thanks. You’re looking good as well --though that’s nothing out of the ordinary.”

His cheeks flush to a lovely rosy color. “Are you enjoying this?”

“Yeah. I really am. This has been really great; it’s nice that we don’t have to worry about Wade ambushing us.”

“Da.” He hesitates --his cheeks flush darker, which looks surprisingly good on him--then gives you a shy, hopeful look. “I want... to do more of this. A lot more.”

A rush of exhilaration runs through you, and you can’t help your excited smile. “Are you saying you want this --us--to be long term?”

“Da. I do.”

“I like the sound of that. I really, really like the sound of that.”

His returning smile is soft and pleased beyond all compare.

Lunch passes quickly --too quickly for your taste. It’s largely dominated by conversation, with occasional comfortable pauses. The two of you talk about your hopes and dreams, your opinions about the world around you, what you want for your futures...

It’s nice. You can’t remember the last time you were able to just spend time with him like this and be.

Whenever the conversation lulls for too long, you ask him to tell you about Russia. He obliges, happily, telling you about the farm he grew up on, his parents, and his sister.

Eventually, he’s covering the bill --upon his insistence, because he can’t not be a gentleman--and you realize that lunch is done and that your date time is quickly coming to a close. As you leave the restaurant, you beg him to show around the town for just a little longer --and he obliges you with literally no resistance whatsoever.

It’s sweet, and you love him for it, but you also have the distinct sense that he’s going to end up creating a bit of a monster out of you.

Towards the end of your stroll around the town, your attention’s snatched away by the distinct, sweet smell of sugar and chocolate. You whip your head around, searching for the source of the heavenly scent, and spy a small confections shop on the opposite corner. “There’s a candy store!” You swoon dramatically, leaning against Piotr as you press your hand against your forehead. “Suddenly, I feel faint! I think it can only be remedied by mass quantities of sugar and chocolate!”

He chuckles as he nudges you upright. “Would you like to go get something?”

“Yes... or, as you would say, da.”

He escorts you across the seat, looking both ways before the two of you cross --because safety, and, to be fair, you probably wouldn’t have if he wasn’t here. He gets the door for you --again, gentleman--and ushers you inside as a bell dings above your heads.

The inside of the shop is light, airy, and decorated in pastels. The far wall is lined with shelves of containers filled with novelty candies --gummy worms, jelly beans, taffies, and the like. Tables loaded with different pastries and treats dot the shop floor. The counter boasts an extensive display case holding dozens of different chocolate treats --and an ice cream cooler, which looks seriously tempting.

A middle aged woman dressed in a mint green polo and a black apron smiles at the two of you. “Hi! What brings you in?”

“My girlfriend wanted to check the shop out,” Piotr says with a smile.

“It was a matter of life and death, Piotr,” You insist cheekily. “I could’ve fainted! Or died!”

The woman chuckles. “Well, we’ve got a great selection of chocolates, candies, and pastries, along with our ice cream that we make in store. My name’s Melody; let me know if I can help you with anything.”

Piotr thanks Melody, but you’re already eyeing your options. You squeeze his hand to get his attention. “Can I get one of everything?”

“Uh, no,” he says with a laugh. “I didn’t bring that much cash with me.”

“I was kidding... mostly.”

The two of you amble around the shop --you because you’re taking your time to seriously evaluate your choices, Piotr because he’s content to follow you and finds your depth of concentration amusing.

Eventually, you decide that you want chocolate and you skip over to the display case.

It doesn’t do much to simplify your decision making process. There have to be at least fifty different types of chocolates in the case.

You smile at Melody. “So, what’s good?”

“Well, the obvious answer is ‘everything,’ but it really depends on your tastes. What do you normally like? Are you a purist, do you like a little crunch, are you a fan of chocolate a fruit combos...”

Your cheery smile dims slightly. Despite his best efforts, this was one area of food Wade hadn’t thoroughly indoctrinated you in. You honestly have no idea what you ought to like, but this seems like something that any normal person would have opinions on. “Uh... I don’t know, actually.” At Melody’s politely confused look, you ad-lib a little lie. “My parents were, uh, health nuts. They didn’t let me have chocolate growing up.”

“Gotcha,” Melody says. “Well, in that case, I’d recommend a covered fruit option; they’re not as rich as some of our other options, so you’re less likely to feel sick after eating ‘em.”

Piotr’s hand comes to rest on the small of your back as she goes through the options --a small but reassuring pressure; he knows how much talking about your parents bothers you. He kisses the top of your head and wraps his arm around your shoulders when you lean against him.

“So, do any of those strike your fancy?”

“Uh...” You peer at the trays of chocolate covered fruits. “I’d like to try... the chocolate covered strawberries.”

“Excellent. It’s one for $3.75 or four for $5.00.”

You smile up at Piotr. “Can I get four?”

“Da,” he murmurs as he kisses your temple. After a little good-natured pestering from you, he also asks for some fudge for himself.

You give him a mock --well, partially mock--incredulous look as Melody packages your orders. “Fudge? I would’ve thought you would’ve gone for something healthy, like the fruit.” You puff out your chest and drop your voice as deep as it will go in a fairly horrible impression of him. “Nutrition is important. Pizza is not breakfast food. Cheetos are not food in general.”

“It is guilty pleasure,” Piotr laughs as he pays for your treats. “And I don’t care what you say, moya lyubov’. Cheetos cannot be food; they don’t even taste like cheese!”

“That’s not the point! The point is that they are crunchy and delicious!”

Piotr simply shakes his head, still smiling, and takes your hand as you leave the shop.

The two of you settle on a bench in the park you started your date in to eat your treats. Piotr hands you your box of chocolate covered strawberries --tied shut with a cute gold ribbon--and a napkin before setting his small box of fudge --and a napkin--in his lap.

You open your box and carefully pick up one of the berries. You study it for a moment, shrug, and bite in.

The chocolate casing shatters.

You let out a squeak and lift your hand up to catch the pieces of runaway chocolate. “Is that supposed to happen?”

“Da.”

It takes a little fumbling, but you manage to stick most of the shards back to the strawberry. You carefully finish your first berry, trying to hold it ‘just so’ so that you don’t drop more chocolate on your skirt.

It’s delicious. Insanely so.

You let out a delighted moan as you start in to your next strawberry. “Where has this been my whole life?”

Piotr smiles as he watches you. “I take it you like them?”

“Oh, hell yeah. This is amazing. I’m going to punch Wade for not introducing these to me.” You take a moment to wipe your fingers on your napkin, then eye his box of fudge. “Mind if I try a bite of yours?”

“Sure.”

You take the chunk of fudge he offers you and --without much thought or consideration--pop the entire piece into your mouth.

A mistake --relatively speaking.

“Oh god,” you mumble around the fudge. “It’s so sweet.”

“That’s why I don’t get it too often.”

“Holy shit. I can actually feel the cavities forming.” You hold out one of your strawberries to him. “Do you want one?”

“No, but thank you, dorogaya moya.”

“Okay. Your loss.”

The two of you finish your treats in relative silence. Well, you finish your strawberries, devouring them with the voracity of a starved velociraptor. Piotr eats maybe a quarter of his fudge, then neatly closes the box and tucks it back in the bag ‘for later,’ like a responsible person would.

He’s such a dad type, and you absolutely adore him for it.

“Do have anything on my face?” You ask as you pat around your mouth with the napkin.

“I think you’re good.” He stand and holds his hand out to you. “We should probably go.”

“Yeah --just hang on a minute.” You hop to your feet, pop up onto your tiptoes, and tug him down by his shirt to give him a kiss.

It’s undeniably perfect. His hands settle at your waist, pulling you in slightly. His lips are soft and warm --and taste a little like fudge, which is excellent. Stack that with the overall glow you’re feeling from the date, and it’s the best damn kiss you’ve ever had.

 “I love you,” you murmur when the two of you part. “I really don’t want this to end.”

“I love you too, myshka. But we should probably go.”

“I know,” You groan. “I’ve just really enjoyed today.”

He practically beams down at you. “I’m glad. I had good time as well.”

You bump your head against his chest. “I want to come here again. I really like it out here.”

“We can do that. Whenever you want.”

“Awesome.” You wrap your arms around his massive waist in a hug and let out a happy sigh when he reciprocates. “But, yeah, we should head back. If we stay out any longer, Wade’s gonna take it a sign to set something on fire.”

Piotr stiffens in your arms at and mutters something under his breath in Russian. “Da. Not that I don’t love this --don’t love being here with you--but... da. We should make sure Wade doesn’t burn down house.”

You giggle and take his hand as he heads back to the car.

The drive back to the mansion is too short for your tastes --not from him speeding, because Piotr would never, but just from being engrossed in conversation with him and just being captivated by him in general.

Your heart aches slightly as the mansion comes into sight, officially marking the end of your date.

“I can drop you off at door,” Piotr offers as he pulls up the drive.

“And miss out on the precious minutes of walk time from the garage to the mansion? I think not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yupp,” You answer, popping the ‘p.’ “To the garage, big guy!”

It only takes a couple of minutes to reach the garage, and less than that for Piotr to park and turn off the car, to your dismay. Before you’ve managed to collect your purse, he’s opening your door and helping you out of the car.

“Thanks for taking me out today. I had a great time.”

“My pleasure, dorogoy.” And then he stoops down and presses his lips against yours.

This kiss is different from the others you’ve shared today. For one, it’s more passionate --he’s holding you closer, kissing your harder. It also lasts much longer, like he doesn’t want to part from you until he absolutely has to.

Eventually, as all things must, the kiss does end.

You’re panting slightly when he pulls back. “Now, that’s what I’d call a proper ‘end of date’ kiss.”

Piotr ducks his head and smiles, cheeks flushed a gorgeous rosy color. “We should go inside.”

You walk with him to the house, still indescribably giddy from your date and the kiss in the garage. You step through the back door --Piotr gets the door for you again--and into the kitchen--

Wade is perched precariously on the counter, lighter in one hand and bottle of vodka with a rag sticking out the top in the other.

“Wade! No!”

You watch, endlessly amused, as your boyfriend surges forward and disarms your best friend.

It’s amazing that this is your life now --a mix of wonderful and crazy that you wouldn’t trade for the world.

You laugh as Wade pouts at Piotr and decide to join the chaos.

[om-nom-berries]

How to Make a Fan Comic

The ask I received from @griffindorfightingheart earlier (which I answered here) got me thinking about fan comics and how much is generally understood both about this scene and even how one might go about making a fan comic. I thought I’d talk a little more about it because I want encourage more people to get into making fan comics. So come on over and let me tell you a story...

First, I’ll tell you about how I got into making fan comics, which was my discovery of doujinshi...

Doujinshi (or Dōjinshi, which Wikipedia tells me is the proper English term but I’ve been using the first term since before there was a wikipedia article for it so lol). Zelda doujin via History of Hyrule was my gateway drug. I discovered the site many, many years ago and was impressed to see that fans in Japan were just making their own comics. GOOD comics, too! I started collecting them via eBay, talking with fellow fans who also collected them, etc. It was so impressive to me and I decided I wanted to make comics too.

But I couldn’t afford to get them printed.

I also didn’t know how.

Starting Off Small

But I could figure out how to make a webcomic! Sort of...

I got some help and I was able to start a Zelda webcomic in 2003, which may as well be fucking ancient times at this point. It’s not pretty to look at (I gave the comics from that site to History of Hyrule so you can always check them out), but they gave me a start. I worked on that site for a few years, got busy with school and life (my mom got cancer in 2005 so that was a big distraction) and then started to do some original comics.

Get an Artist Alley Table

In 2007, I finally decided to try to go to my first anime convention as an artist, and tried for a table at Anime North. I was successful (there used to be less demand and therefore easier to get a table back then), and finally had the impetus to make a printed fan comic. I actually made two that year: one based on Ocarina of Time, and one based on Twilight Princess. My friend @renlikesstuff helped me get them printed (dude do you remember that lol?) and I was able to debut them there. Sure, I printed way too many copies, but it was a great learning experience (yes, I did eventually sell out of those copies, but I did print way too many).

Friends R Good

I just want to point out that having friends in fandom, especially friends that enjoy the fandom in similar ways (ie: write fan fiction, make fan art, etc) are invaluable. You can support one another but also are there to help you with your ideas (what is a realistic goal, for example).

Legal Stuff

Are fan comics illegal? In most jurisdictions, if you don’t have the permission of the copyright holder OR it’s a parody (legal protected in many countries but not all countries), then yes, it’s illegal. But generally the enforcement of copyrights is left to the copyright holder. To be realistic, the only dangerous bootleg stuff out there are, for example, plane parts (yes, this is a thing and really fucking scary), or medical equipment (that could harm or kill someone). A fan comic, unless you’re selling thousands of copies, isn’t really hurting the copyright holder (if said copyright holder is a large, multinational corporation). Even still, some large companies have been known to crack down on fan works (usually as a result of rampant bootlegging. See: Disney).

If you’re in a fandom, the discussion of fan art, bootlegs, etc may or may not be A Thing, depending on how the copyright holder deals with fan creations. Some copyright holders may be independent, and some may be large corporations. You must be mindful of the laws where you live and sell your works, and of how the copyright holder feels (or doesn’t feel) about any kind of fan works.

You must also keep in mind that a copyright holder can choose to enforce their copyright at any time. Generally, if they feel you’ve overstepped a boundary, they’ll let you know by sending a simple Cease & Desist notification (usually by email) or just have your web host take down you creation without warning (if said host has a way of reporting it). No one’s going to come to your house or school or work or blow down your fucking door over this shit (I mean, if you live in a democracy, because some people do live in countries where freedoms are more restricted and sometimes this shit does happen over what others might consider very basic actions).

Actually Fucking Drawing Something

I could write a metric assload of stuff about making a comic. But I won’t, because people have already written a lot about it. Instead, here’s some links to get you started:

notes from a 2011 presentation that Love Love Hill did at Anime North about making comics/doujinshi

comic process and tutorial notes from Love Love Hill (listen to them for they are wise)

resources for printing, payment services, etc from AAtoast

creating a comic - basic process

About printing:

Printing is expensive!

At least, nice printing is. If you don’t have a lot of money, you can do zine-style stuff, where you’re using a basic photocopier and a long arm stapler (to do what’s called a “saddle stitch” binding). If you have a little bit of money you can hire a printing company to print the comics for you. I’ve done both, and here’s the pros and cons:

Printing and Stapling Yourself

Pros:

Cheap af

No surprises re: quality control

Cons:

More work

You may need a long arm stapler (but some people do super short comics that are foldable which is cute too)

Has to be shorter (bc long arm staplers will only staple through so many pages before you need to get a stronger industrial one)

Printing with a Professional Printer

Pros:

Quality result

Access to perfect binding (when you have it bound by glue)

Cons:

Expensive

Not all printers can do book binding or have experience with comics

You often need to pay extra to get the comic pages set up for printing if you don’t know how to use something like InDesign

Actually Fucking Sell Something

When you finally have a print comic, you can sell it! Knowing WHERE to sell it is just as important as actually selling it. You want to make sure you’re presenting to the right audience.

I’ve done direct sales, mostly, either in person or online using Paypal as the payment handling.

When you’re selling online, keep in mind the cost to mail the comics (postage, packaging). Packaging is important because you want the comic to arrive in pristine condition. I usually get plastic bubble mailers and then put the comic in another plastic baggie so that there’s no chance of moisture getting in there. Also, I put in a nice little thank you card signed to the person who bought the comic. Handwritten notes are always a kind and appreciated gesture that people will remember.

Where to sell? If you have enough followers on Tumblr, you can do ok, especially if you’re already known in the fandom. If not, some larger fandoms run comic anthologies (either print or digital). I’ve seen people also sell on Etsy and Gumroad. I’ve used Gumroad but not Etsy. Keep in mind that using 3rd party sellers like Etsy and Gumroad and Ebay make it much easier for copyright holders to take notice of you, and they might assume you’re just a bootlegger making a ton of money off this.

Which brings me to my final point:

Don’t Expect to Get Rich Making Fan Comics

You’re not going to make much money selling fan stuff. That’s just the reality. If you’re really REALLY good and persistent then yes, maybe you can do the convention circuit or get a popular Patreon or something. Some have. But it’s rare, and those artists that made it work did put a ton of effort into finding something that worked for them and also mix in original art and extras.

If you’re getting into making fan comics, make sure it’s because, first and foremost, it’s something that brings you joy in creating. It doesn’t have to be an expensive hobby, but it should bring you some measure of joy. I’d say that’s the most important thing.

[italicwatches]

Laid-Back Camp - Episode 12

Alright, the last hurrah. One last camping trip with these girls. Let’s see how it goes. It’s Laid-Back Camp, episode 12! Here we GO!

-We begin…In a possible future. Rin’s camping ways have continued, and she’s taken more after her grandfather, with a cool motorcycle and sweet boots. She arrives to a campsite to find the others already waiting for her. Chiaki’s become the new Toba-sensei, treating all camping trips as an excuse to get her booze on…Well, I said the others, but Nadeshiko is a ways out still. In this fantasy, Nadeshiko didn’t just keep camping…She now owns a camping gear company, bringing American styled equipment to Japan. Also, Aoi still hasn’t lost her fang…

-And Nadeshiko arrives…On…

-Good.

-Fucking.

-God.

-She’s in the flying tent from the opening.

-So obviously this is our title-card shot. As much as I love all the other shots of the girls all grown up…I mean, come on.

-And this is all Nadeshiko’s idea of what it’ll be like when they’re all grown up. Which explains a lot. And Rin’s gotten back with stuff! Yayyyyy.

-Opening! So here’s the magic question for you: In Nadeshiko’s possible-future, did she imagine herself and Rin being married?

-Episode 12: Mount Fuji and the Laid-Back Camp Girls

-So doggo has to go. He’s picked up by Ena’s family to go back home to warm bed, while the others scrub their dishes and ask the question of who’s gonna take advantage of the actual baths first. Well, Toba-sensei is out.

-In the end, Aoi, Ena and Chiaki end up in the bath, in an actual proper hot bath no less. Which leaves Rin and Nadeshiko to stay warm around the fire, and they end up asking Toba-sensei if she doesn’t mind being out here all alone instead of with her lover…

-…That was her sister she was with, you dorks. Anyways, all of this gender and romance confusion has Nadeshiko so off-tilt that she ends up outright asking Chiaki if she’s a girl or not when the others get back. Do you want to die?

-So round two of the baths, chatting with Toba-sensei. Who has a camping history not entirely dissimilar to Rin’s, though hers is more group-oriented. Her dad was a huge outdoorsy type when she was a kid, so the whole family would practically be out every weekend in the summers. Her sister picked up the bug full-force, and she tags along.

-Also speaking of camping, Rin still doesn’t know what that thing she saw in the darkness was. It was your teacher. Aaanyways, by the time they get back from the bath, everyone’s done their hair up in a Shimarin Bun. Nadeshiko is surrounded by Shimarins and it’s wonderful! Rin is quietly a bit mad at that name.

-So Nadeshiko has enough hair that she gets the true Shimarin treatment: Having Ena do something ridiculous to her head. Which she doesn’t see until they take a selfie together. Alas, Nadeshiko. But now they’ve kind of used up their tasks, but it’s too early to sleep…

-So Chiaki has a treat. You know outdoor film festivals, and vintage American drive-ins, and all that? (GOD I wish I could justify using that shot of Anime To the Future) Well Chiaki just signed up for a data plan and streaming services for her tablet! It’s not quite a grand projector, but they can just dive deep until they forget what time is!

-Eventually they’re all tapped out…Until everyone else is asleep, and it’s just Nadeshiko and Rin with their heads poking out of Rin’s tent way off on their own, looking up at the stars. They end up talking about all the shows and stuff they watched, and possible journeys, and New Year’s plans, and just…just talking. I’m not sure if Rin will do these big group trips very often, but I think it’s clear she’ll be doing a lot of these little trips with Nadeshiko.

-And they doze right off, as quiet comes over the campsites…And all is peaceful…

-Until the first alarm goes off. It’s 5 AM Christmas day, and Rin wakes up next to Nadeshiko, just the two of them. I’m not saying they’re a few months at most away from one of them suddenly realizing “FUCK we’re a couple when did that happen crap crap crap what’s the anniversary is it the day we met WHAT DO I GET HER”, but it was aliens.

-Also Nadeshiko you promised to make breakfast so get out of that mummy bag and make with the grub.

-Of course, Rin ends up helping…And by the time the others gather, it’s a truly traditional meal. Some grilled salmon, a miso soup, rice, even natto. Exactly what a certain hungover teacher needs to clear her head. And as they all get their grub on…The sun tips over the horizon, and it is just magic. That first light, when your eyes have adjusted to the pre-dawn, is so overwhelming, and just…Amazing.

-Of course, then comes the end of the trip. The loading of gear, the packing up of campsites. Daily coming to pick various folks up, and of course, one last photo of them all together before they scatter.

-Cut to a new day at the bookstore. Rin’s just hanging out behind the counter…And she’s thinking she wants to go somewhere for New Year’s…Which is when Ena shows up, buying a magazine on winter camping.

-Over at school, Chiaki leads the crew on a full cleanup of their club room! …That took like two minutes. Until they get Rin or Ena to actually sign on, it’s the cramped storage room for another semester. And tragically, they’re both working through the New Year’s holiday, so they can’t even go camping together…Well, except for Nadeshiko, who can’t find work.

-Cue Rin texting with a PLAN. Ena got a temp job printing and delivering new year’s cards and they need more warm bodies. It’s only a week or two of work, but Nadeshiko’s super excited at getting some cash to turn into camping gear.

-And at last, the credits song plays, as we montage over a quiet calm for all involved with the sun low in the sky. Rin’s scooter dutifully parked by her humble home. Ena’s doggo wrapped up snug in his doggo bed. Nadeshiko’s sister after another road trip to a picturesque sight. Rin’s grampa watching the sun set from his latest campsite. Nadeshiko’s folks coming home with groceries. Toba-sensei’s sister setting up camp, and she herself wrapping up a day of teaching.

-And in that little storage hall, a few more photos added to Nadeshiko’s wall…Including the one magical shot that started the series, of them all together…

-Aftercredits! And not a skit, either. It’s post-New Years, the back end of winter turning into spring, and Nadeshiko’s pedaling her humble little bike, with its rack and her bag both full of kit, to a certain campground…It’s a hard ride, but she finally makes it, checks in, and finds herself nearly alone at a pristine lake. The very place where she met Rin, damn near the exact same spot, as she dutifully puts together her setup. Her tent, her little table…And her own little treat, the gas lantern she saw in the shop that day. It’s a perfect, gorgeous setup…

-When Rin texts asking if she’s working. She’s actually out on the road, and just got to her campsite! And thus they get talking, both of them out camping solo, as Nadeshiko hides where she’s gone, until she sends the photo…And Rin’s comes in…And she’s not even a hundred feet back. They both had the same idea and came to the same place. These adorable precious girls.

And that’s a wrap.

I…Damn, this one somehow feels way heavier than it should. The show’s just so warm and comfy that I don’t want to leave it. But there’s no more left(unless they do a second season COME ON YOU COWARDS), and thus there’s no choice.

I mean, except for the fact that I obviously have already made bookmarks for the manga to chew on.

It is no mistake that this show caused a lot of people to want to go camping. This was…Damn, this was real close to perfect for me, and quite frankly the only things that would’ve made it better would be trading some archetypes around to pander to my specific tastes, rather than actually doing anything objectively higher quality.

And that fucking ending. That last shot. That was just…Pretend your favorite meme image of a chef’s kiss is here, because that was perfect.

So what’s coming up now that we did that? A hard pivot to the exact opposite of this warm comfy slice-of-life stuff, and also me trying blatantly to build my presence Tumblr-side with a big-pop. You’ll see. Wait for it!

[yukipri]

I never experienced art theft until one of my works became unexpectedly popular- since then, I've found my work reposted, redrawn, and used as reference for cosplays. It's been exhausting, both seeing it, and not knowing WHERE I should stand on the issue. I've let redraws slide (with credit), but I plan on not allowing future ones from occurring. How do you deal with art theft? How do you continue drawing without thinking about the disrespect thrown at you during bad/failed confrontations?

I am so, so incredibly sorry this happened to you, and empathize very strongly with you. Art theft SUCKS, few things can be quite as demotivating as a creator than having something you’ve worked your ass off on swiped by someone else. And unfortunately, given the current internet culture, if you continue as an online artist it’s inevitable that it’ll happen at one point or another.

Because sure, of course part of the reason why we create is because we want to, but a large part of the motivation for sharing it is to hopefully get some response that people like it, whether it be in the form of likes, reblogs, comments, asks, tags, or anything else. That is the tangible PROOF that our work touched someone, and for someone who put in zero effort and has no idea how we felt while creating to receive all of that instead of us…sucks.

I think where you stand on the issue is up to you, and it’s okay for it to change. YOU always have the right to decide how you’re comfortable with people sharing your art, and your feelings are valid regardless of how they change.

Ironically enough, I just had another art theft on Instagram (my Anniversary post) super recently, so I was like HAH when I got this orz

This rant got a bit long, so the rest beneath cut but here’s a rundown about how my feelings towards art theft have evolved over the years.

For example, over the years I’ve gotten much, MUCH stricter. My earliest online art, I just put it up, no url, oftentimes no signature, no warnings in the comments or my blog bio. Admittedly I was starting out and didn’t have much viewers anyway, but the point was I still had Trust at the time.

Then the art thefts began. I started adding my url to all my illustrations, even if it was just small in the corner, as this’d let people at least find my website. Most people are too lazy to type out a url though, and I’ve seen people asking “Who drew this??” on art theft comments EVEN WHEN THE URL IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE…

And then people started cropping my watermarks. I made my url bigger, and started adding an additional “DO NOT REPOST” to the image itself. I used to allow reposts with credits on platforms I’m not on, like fb, until I realized that people were then reposting from THOSE communities without credit and putting them into their videos and fics and I just…decided it wasn’t worth it.

I switched to no reposts PERIOD. I have lengthy disclaimers on all of my art that leads to an even lengthier FAQ post that, should people wish to look, leads to even an even more detailed post about WHY art theft sucks, as I’m explaining now.

(EDIT: ALSO, reduce the quality of the images you upload, and NEVER upload the full resolution, and try to keep you unmerged original files. This is for several reasons: no matter how much an art thief reposts your work, they’ll never have access to the higher resolution, and if they ever decide to try to print to sell for profit it’ll be shitty quality compared to anything you make with the original. ALSO, you having the maximum resolution with no watermarking with additional unmerged psd files will be proof that you are the true creator should you need to prove it, which I’ve heard is sometimes necessary to show when your art is stolen at say, an artist alley)

I also used to bother trying to talk to art reposters. I’d comment on the post, try to send messages, etc. It’s fucking exhausting, and while there are some exceptions, the VAST majority of art thiefs will feel attacked and immediately get rude and defensive. (the failed confrontations and disrespect you mentioned orz) If it’s a large community, they may even try to gang up on you. I’ve unfortunately experienced this most frequently in communities centered around other languages (mainly Spanish) because of different mainstream attitudes towards art reposting etiquette combined with a language barrier.

You will, and no doubt already have, encountered people who will argue with you, like the people I describe above. “You should be grateful for the bigger audience!” “We just want to appreciate your art, how can you be so horrible?” “We’re all fans together!” “This is fanart and doesn’t belong to you anyway!” Etc. etc. etc. It’s exhausting, it’s repetitive, it’s neverending, and you already felt awful before it even began and the stress just continues to build.

So I personally have just begun reporting people, if the service allows it. Use DMCA takedown request forms (and YES, even if it’s fanart it’s still yours if you drew it). This is stressful too because it sends your real name + info to the reposter (and wow I clearly can’t trust these people to begin with, why would I want them to have that???) but most sites (facebook, instagram, certainly tumblr, twitter) are very efficient and responsive, and in the end the relief of receiving that email that the art has been taken down is worth it. Especially with facebook, they also send a scary official warning email to the reposters which I sincerely hope will help educate them and discourage future art thefts.

I try to avoid posting public urls because yes I’m aware how mob mentality Tumblr can get, but sometimes it’s just too much. There’s no convenient form of getting my content removed (perhaps bc it’s in a compilation with a ton of other content), or for some reason my attempts to communicate have failed. In those times I have occasionally asked my followers to help, with a reminder to PLEASE always be polite and respectful, regardless of the offense. Y’all have been amazing, and this has saved me many nights of crying in the past.

I will sometimes also write lengthy posts (like this one!) to help educate. Because I do feel that art theft will continue so long as people don’t understand what it does to artists, and it’s up to the community as a whole to make that change, which also depends heavily on the consumers not just creators. A lot of art theft really isn’t intentionally meant to harm, but IS super ignorant.

But in the end, all I’ve ranted about so far is how I’ve dealt with actually removing/dealing with the shit. But the emotional pain, it builds. Sometimes, when it’s too frequent and the stolen art gets way more attention than my original that I worked my ass off on that basically flunked on my own platforms, I feel a bit of me break.

And in the end, it’s up to you what that threshold is, where posting art and feeling good about it is overwhelmed by the pain, fear, and anxiety of art theft. I’ve crossed my own threshold too many times, and once had to take an art hiatus because of it (fandom was BH6). This lead to a break in my productivity and motivation and my eventual complete departure form the fandom. I’ve seen many other artists just stop posting art entirely or moving everything to private. It’s terrible, but my feelings are with these artists, and I feel so, so sorry that they were hurt so much to the extent they had to do this.

With my current fandom and followers, I feel that regardless of how niche an audience my content tends to be geared for, I have a community that is really satisfying for me to create for, one that is responsive to me and gives me tons of feedback. This is the number one reason why i continue to feel motivated to post a ton of online content despite the risks.

The takeaway form this long meandering post: Posting online is a hobby, it’s for fun, and I don’t make any money off my public audience (unless they come to Patreon! LOL!), so I’m a firm believer that once the anxiety + misery starts outweighing anything positive you personally may get from sharing online, which for me heavily depends on my audience and their responsiveness, there’s no reason to subject yourself to that anymore and you are in no way obligated to stay. There are various methods to more efficiently get rid of art thefts without dealing with them in person which is stressful AF, and also ways of marking up your content in ways that may look less aesthetically pleasing, but will hopefully discourage art thefts, and at the very least give them very little leg to stand on should they do it anyway. How forgiving you are in art thefts also depends on you, but the more forgiving you are, the more it can get away from you. And in the end, YOU as a human are more important than any complaints about art looking less pleasing or the feelings of art thefts who don’t get to do what they want with YOUR hard work.

Sorry this was so disjointed and literally just me spewing at you, but I hope some of it was helpful ^ ^; Please let me know if I can give you any other advice, and I’m sorry again that you have to deal with this ;_;

(and to respond to your second ask, I do try to respond to most of my asks, but sometimes it takes a while (sometimes even months orz), especially if it’s one that requires a lengthy detailed answer like this one ^ ^; thank you for your patience!)

[nstuartusf-blog]

I’m going to rename my tumblr handle to the advertisement attacker because any time I truly analyze an advertisement I feel this subconscious essence of exposing the company in charge of the ad and all the nonsense they love to include in order to shift the focus away from the product itself and warp the consumers attention into the abundance of additional item they will receive with it. Here we have a walk in bathtub advertisement paid for by the brand Jacuzzi. Yes Jacuzzi is a brand and not just a from of hot tub with jets. I would say that this advertisement isn’t as bad as some of the other’s I’ve critiqued but it theres enough here for me to take note of that I selected it anyway. First you can miss the bold lettering in the center, initially advertising that they are the “original” pioneers in hydrotherapy. Followed by the underlying phrasing that they’ve been at this for over sixty years and have been making people “feel better”. To me that was the first indication of typical marketing nonsense. Someone, especially a company trying to sell a product, cannot take credit for making someone “feel better” unless they are scientifically altering the chemical composition of someone’s brain. Who’s to say the essence of water, water temperature, the act of being clean, or even the act of just taking a bath isn’t the result of feeling better. There’s no way to legitimately prove that. Next we have the entire top portion of the add dedicated to providing something free that drastically improves the action of what the product does. My take away from that is that the walk-in bathtub must be lacking in sales for the company to have to ensure a ninety day supply of epsom salt in order for the tub to reach its full potential in the feel good tactics that whole heartedly are advertising. Not to mention the fine print underneath stating that they only provide the salt as it supplies last. I find that to be hilarious that they must advertise on of their brand’s products to assure the quality of their original product. On top of that the fine print states that it is only applicable to this specific deal. Once again trying to lock consumers into the promotional deal they’re forcefully advertising. Moving along, they start to advertise attributes of this product that should be understood as essistial the state of the product like a hundred percent leak proof door. The should definitely be something thats assumably already an aspect of the tub design, who wants a tub that leaks? To me that screams that the company is having to reassure consumers from a previous issue where the tub leaked. I’ll end my critique there but once again this boils down to companies advertising nonsense in order to make their product seem better when in reality if the product isn’t good by itself alone then thats how it should be judged, not by all the wonderful things included to distract someone from the characteristics of the product itself.   #Wordcount516

[tessatechaitea]

Batman #87

James Tynion IV and Guillem March team up to make me stop buying Batman.

Part of me just wants to write "UGH!" and be done with reviewing this comic book. But another part of me is hungry. But still another part of me, the one that is against just typing "UGH!", is outraged that I just paid five dollars for a regular issue of Batman because of a stupid glossy and thick cover and that part of me demands that I vent more fully. And yet that's not even why I'm fucking livid! That's just my first and most shallow complaint! I'd prefer if DC Comics just gave me a regular issue of Batman with a regular comic book cover and simply printed on that cover, "We know this is the exact same quality comic book that we'd sell for $3.99 usually but it has Batman in it which means it will sell way more copies than the other issues we sell and we want that sweet, sweet extra dollar per issue windfall!"

Complaint #2: The Riddler believes that a riddle without a solution is the greatest riddle.

Never mind that Guillem March drew The Riddler naked while he's thinking about the greatest riddle ever while on weapons grade amphetamines and he has no visible erection. That's a minor side complaint that I simply assume was on everybody's list of things wrong with this issue. But the revelation that James Tynion IV doesn't understand the concept of riddles is beyond criticism. It's post-critical! The entire purpose of a riddle is that it has a fucking clever answer! A riddle with no answer is a mystery and The Riddler isn't called The Mysteryer! A riddle with no answer is something The Mad Hatter might be into but not The Riddler, Mr. Scott-Snyder-Lite IV! And before some Riddler-loving cuck nerd decides to argue that what Tynion meant was that The Riddler loves a super duper challenging riddle, let me say this: "Then he should have fucking wrote that in the dialogue, shouldn't he have? Not that a 'riddle with no solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' But 'a riddle with a fucking super tough and challenging solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' Now go jerk off to your tepid Riddler sex role play Tumblr blog." Just an aside about my use of the word 'cuck': it's just fucking funny to use! The only good thing the terrible incel Internet community (unless I mean the MRA community (unless I mean the PUA community (it probably doesn't matter. They probably mostly share the middle area in a Venn diagram))) has done for this world is to bring back the insult "cuck." I don't even care about using it in the historically accurate way! I don't actually care if Riddler fans' spouses have a little extra side of ass on the down low. It's just fun to say! Plus, if you say it to the kind of person who actually thinks "cuck" is a scathing insult, they get super fucking angry when called one! It's Goddamned hilarious.

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Riddler.

Yes, yes. March fixes my whole "The Riddler doesn't have a visible erection" problem from the first scan by implying one with his Riddle Wand here. But the main problem is why did March think The Riddler suddenly needed to look like Bernie Wrightson's Anton Arcane? The Riddler has always just been a skinny creep who was so into getting punched in the face by a muscular man in a bat costume that he planted clues that would ensure it happened. But I guess March has decided that his obsession needed to be mirrored in his physical appearance? Or is it a kind of pervasive attitude that Batman is such a scary and serious fucking cartoon hero that his villainous gallery of rogues has to be just as wickedly serious and horrific? Sometimes it feels like fans still feel as if the Batman television show was some kind of pernicious poison that, to this day, needs continual application of anti-toxin. "Batman isn't silly and his villains shouldn't be either," scream the rabid base of comic book fans that take this shit way too seriously. Hey! Fuck you! I'm angry for valid reasons and not stupid comic book fan reasons! Don't try to use my own words against me!

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Penguin.

See my previous argument for Complaint #2. Although there's a history of making The Penguin as creepy and fucked up as possible because nobody needs the image of Burgess Meredith playing The Penguin to already come to the conclusion that a short dapper fat man with a bird obsession isn't the most intimidating villain, even with the mob attitude and homicidal tendencies.

Complaint #4: Batman and Catwoman's banter.

My main complaint with this conversation is that Batman and Catwoman never once argue about whether they met on a boat or on the street. I thought that was how they always began conversations! Also, they don't call each other "Bat" and "Cat." I'm sure a lot of people are thrilled about this change. But to me, it's a slow reset to getting them back to a relationship that denies the strength of their love and commitment to each other. They're slipping back into professional modes of communication! Next thing you know, we'll find out that Alfred didn't really die! It was Clayface the entire time and Alfred simply let people believe he was dead so he could have a peaceful vacation for once in his long life of servitude to an obsessed man-boy with too much money. Okay, that's enough poking fun at Tom King and the people who hated Tom King. I'm sure I'll get my fill of the Bat/Cat relationship whenever King's Bat Loves Cat comic book comes out. Let me be serious about my complaint in this paragraph (although not the kind of serious where I'm a comic book fan taking shit too seriously! The kind of "serious" where I pretend to be in an apoplectic rage which convinces a number of casual readers into thinking things like "This fucking Lobo fanboy wants to fuck Lobo in the face" and "Why is this nerd so obsessed with Supergirl's butthole? Can't he get a real woman down at the real club where he probably dances like a fucking dreamboat?"). Batman is supposed to be the World's Greatest Detective and yet he engages in stupid retorts like "What makes you think I don't have that device?" You fucking imbecile! What makes her think that was expressly stated by Catwoman when she said you wouldn't have needed to ask her if she was still with the body! Also, even Batman can't have that technology because it would take magic to use that technology and Batman is against magic which is why he keeps Kryptonite on hand to defeat Superman instead of the Ace of Winchesters. Side Complaint #4: Guillem March draws asses in the uncanny valley. He wants you to know they're sexy asses that do more than poop and fart. But he tries too hard to make them sexy and they fall into the uncanny valley of sexy asses. Those are asses where you go, "No, no. I can see that that ass is sexy but I am not in any way going to put my tongue into it." Complaint #5: The villains' plan is so complex that it relies on things that couldn't have been planned for happening. This is a standard complaint of mine and such a comic book trope that I probably should have gotten over being upset by it twenty years ago. I suppose it's why I stopped reading comic books for ten of those twenty years though. A bunch of assassins planned to get caught so that one of them could escape so that Batman would be distracted by that one while the others escaped. Batman falls for it although this time there's a twist to a plan so well planned that it works no matter what the hero does: this plan was stolen! This plan was originally the Penguin's plan and he recognized it when the first part fell into place: five assassins came to Gotham and were caught by Batman. Yeah, see? That was part of this stupid plan! So at least The Penguin is going to interfere with this awesome plan. Although, being that the plan was so well planned, the person who stole the plan probably planned for The Penguin to recognize the plan and to interfere. So The Penguin interfering is probably now part of the overall plan.

Complaint #6: Batman builds a prison that even he can't get out of which means Deathstork gets out of it immediately.

Every time, right? Every time a hero does something that is super duper foolproof to the nth degree of foolproofness, they get fooled! Fool the DC villains once, shame on the DC villains. Fool the DC Villains twice, and, well, you know what? That's never actually happened because they've never actually been fooled once. They only get fooled in the ultimate issue of a story arc when the hero decides maybe they should redouble their efforts and buck up their willpower and believe in themselves slightly more than they did in the previous five issues.

Complaint #7: A Cheshire-sized clay body double was captured by Batman, hauled into custody by police, and locked up without anybody noticing.

Batman uses the word "clay" so I'm assuming we're supposed to believe this is some kind of non-Clayface clayface body double? Some kind of mindless automaton that walks and moves and blinks and breathes and acts exactly like a living person? Sure, it's not presented in that way. But the audience has to assume some level of intelligent trickery went down here or else they're going to read this and think, "Batman was fooled by a squishy, drippy sex doll? This is worse for the Batman mythos than when Kevin Smith had Batman confess to peeing his pants!" Complaint #8: Both Deathstork and Cheshire tell Batman they're "playing a game." Why do they call their terrible and vicious crimes a game? It's bullshit to make everything the villains do some kind of contest pitted against Batman. It inherently makes super hero comics less about trying to make the world a better place and more about how heroes are the cause of all of the trouble because the villains' only ever expressed motive is to best the heroes. It's lazy and ultimately damaging to the entire medium. Yes, I said the entire medium! That's not hyperbole! But that was facetiousness!

Complaint #9: Cheshire wears see-through undies and we never get to see them from the front.

Okay fine. Not all of March's asses are in the uncanny valley. That one is staunchly in the valley of cans. Sweet, sweet cans.

Complaint #10: Batman kills Cheshire.

Sure, sure. Cheshire is still talking after getting creamed by a semi truck so Batman didn't really kill her. But he should have killed her doing this and the only way we accept that she isn't dead after smashing her face into an advancing semi is because we, the reader, know Batman doesn't kill. Maybe Batman lovers would defend this as an accident brought on by Cheshire herself. But then what is Batman's defense in letting her get smashed by a truck instead of saving her from being smashed by a truck in the amount of time it takes him to smugly say, "Brace yourself"? This fits into my belief that Batman has killed dozens of people but they die later at the hospital after which he can pin the deaths on the doctors who failed to save them from the mortal injuries Batman gave them. Side Complaint #10: Cheshire's last words are asking Batman how he survived her poison. I mean, she's obviously dying here and that's all she cares about? I would think she'd be all, "Tell my daughter I love her! ACK!" Batman #87 Rating: C. I think I made my points. My main problem now is that I've declared I'm going to stop buying Batman but I'm not the sort of person who avoids staring at train wrecks.

[rosarkahamill]

***TRAVELTIPS*** I've had a ridiculously busy year of travelling, and on my various trips I've had a lot of different experiences. I'm currently in the last leg of planning my biggest adventure yet: a 12 day solo-trip to Cuba, happening in 6 weeks time! As a part of this I figured I could share some tips I've gathered through my trips and experiences. Hopefully at least some of them will be useful for others, and maybe even get someone to take a trip they otherwise wouldn't have dared to go on? Who knows! 1: GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND You can save yourself from a lot of hazzle with some basic searches on google. "Best area to stay in [name of place]" for instance will often lead you to reviews, travelblogs, yahoo answers etc. These are great for travel to places you haven't visited before, because you'll get a much bigger and more honest overview of a place than just reading reviews (which should be your next step, but more specified to hotels/accommodation in the area you found from using this tip). Often people who actually live in the area will tell answer these type posts and give honest feedback on where to stay and which places to avoid. When I was in Lithuania last year, a guy who lived parts of the year in Vilnius told me on the bus to town that the hotel I had picked was in the worst area of the city because of drugs and prostitution. I wasn't rattled though, and even though I stayed out late at night I was perfectly fine, but, I could probably have gotten a hotel in a nicer area for a similar price if I'd done my research first. Speaking of which… 2: RESEARCH AND READ REVIEWS So the "R" word might sound boring, but, it's one of the most essential tips I can give you. Also, if you go about it with the right attitude, researching for a trip can actually be a lot of fun! When you're looking for a place to stay, whether it's a hotel or private accommodation, take your time to read reviews. Specifically, I look at a few of the reviews that give top marks, and more of the ones that give bottom marks. Most places will have a bit of both, and some of the bottom reviews are completely unreasonable. Generally, you want to weed out the places that have many bottom reviews with similar complaints. This would've saved me from a hotel in Brussels, Belgium, where several people had written about rude/unhelpful staff, poor cleaning/maintenance, and theft from the rooms. Unfortunately, I only thought to check the worst reviews when I signed in to tripadvisor to leave my own 1* review… 3: PRIORITIZE Another "boring word", but a great tip for your wallet. Think about what you want from the trip, and what you're willing to sacrifice. If you plan on spending a lot of time shopping, at museums, exploring the city, lounging on the beach etc, then you're probably not gonna do much other than sleep at your hotel. So does the hotel need to be 4*? Not really. Get a cheaper hotel and spend the money saved on shopping instead. Or is your aim to just relax and get a good nights rest, reading a book with a cuppa and use whatever luxury is available at the hotel? Then yes, a good hotel will be worth your while. When in New Orleans with my mum, we stayed at an old historic hotel in the French Quarter. The room was tiny, smelled of damp, and to use my mums words: "the balcony was so slanted it was like a shipwreck". BUT, we pretty much only used the room for sleep, showers, and a few beers in the sun on the sinking balcony. The hotel was in walking distance from everything we wanted to check out, and because we got a cheaper deal we had more cash for beers, shopping, and excursions. (AN: despite the less luxurious feel of the place I'd actually recommend it, just for the location and customer service alone!) 4: STOCK UP ON TRAVEL APPS Do yourself a huge favour and download the travel apps you need before you go. Apps like Tripadvisor can be a major help in finding places to go out for a meal, pubs, sights etc. Downloading these off WiFi at hotels in eastern Europe can be… a major pain. You'll save yourself from a lot of "rage" by just having them ready before you go. Also, when you find something, take screenshots! You never know when the app might glitch, and suddenly that nice pub with local food and a name consisting solely of consonants (I'm looking at you Poland) is long gone. Same goes for maps and directions. Because I'm from Norway I can only really recommend the apps that I myself have used, but I don't know if these will apply/be as useful for everyone. My main recommendations, for what it's worth, are: Tripadvisor, Momondo, Hotels, ETaksi (specifically for use in Lithuania. It's pretty much the same as Uber, and is used by everyone. Unless you're a millionaire or fluent in Lithuanian I think this one is a must-have. Some of the local taxis charge extortionate prices, and the level of English varies a lot), AirBnB, Uber. 5: CHAT IT UP This one might seem a bit scary, but it's so rewarding once you give it a go! If you're in a shop having a browse or buying something, chances are the person at the till is somewhat local. Try out a little smalltalk first. It doesn't have to be good enough to win you a date with Tom Hiddleston, just everyday pleasantries is enough. This is just to get a feel of the person, if they speak English and if they seem like the friendly and helpful type. If they do, this is a perfect opportunity to find some hidden gems. When I was in Israel I discovered a bar I would NEVER have found otherwise. This was just from asking a lovely lady working at a bookshop (!) for tips, and she gave us the name and address. The place is enough to fill a Tumblr post in itself but that's a story for another time. But asking the locals can really give you some unique experiences. 6: USE YOUR HANDLUGGAGE WISELY So you've arrived in Oslo, but your luggage hasn't. You're wearing skinny jeans, a tee, and a thin jumper. It's -11 degrees Celsius outside, and you have to scrape the ice off the windows of your car that's been left in freezing temperatures for two weeks, while shivering like a penguin and swearing like a sailor. That was me and my mum when we returned from New Orleans and were told that one of our bags got left behind at Atlanta, with all our winter clothes in it… A good story now, not so much at the time. After this frosty mishap, I learned to make better use of my handluggage than just magazines and empty space. Now I always pack the following in my handluggage (I use a mini suitcase that is cabin approved): - Toiletries (just the bare essentials, i.e toothbrush, mini toothpaste, mouthwash tabs from Lush, wetwipes, hairties and of course tampons etc) - Underwear and socks (if I'm going to a "summer destination" I also put a swimsuit in my handluggage) - 2 sets of clean clothes that can be combined (for instance two tanktops, a pair of jeans, and a skirt. This is in case I get stuck with no luggage for more than 1 day and I don't have time to "waste" on needless shopping or I don't want to. I'll then have something nice for everyday and something "dressy" for evening or at worst just a clean set of clothes in case I spill something etc). - A pair of shoes that can be worn with anything (worn for everyday or dressed up) - Chargers for my phone (with adapters!) - Printed receipts of plane tickets, payment for accommodation, and addresses 7: USE LOCAL TOUR OPERATORS Using the tour operator you know from home can seem convenient and easy, but in my experience you can make some really big misfires with this tactic. When I was younger we always used a big tour operator in Norway to book our little daytrips on holiday. Some were decent, others were either wilfully misadvertised or just plain bad. We booked a day trip to see Knossos (ancient city ruins) in Greece once, with the promise of a Norwegian guide to show us around the site and the museum. The "guide" was a "yolo-girl" in her late teens/early twenties who read robotically off a sheet she had printed off Wikipedia, and subsequently couldn't answer any questions we had other than questions about the schedule. Unfortunately, this is often how the big tour operators work. They can rest on their laurels because of their big brand name, and don't need to care about good service. Also, the teens that they use as "guides" are often extremely overworked and get zero training. I'd advise you to give the locals a go instead. They can take a bit more effort to seek out, but in my experience and opinion they're worth the work. They are more dependent on quality and positive word of mouth to survive, and weed out the tours that offer experiences like the one I had above. 8: AVOID THE SAFE This tip might seem a bit weird, but as someone who meets crooks at work pretty much every day of the week, take my advice on this one. Most people and travelblogs will tell you to use the hotel safe. This is just a candybox for "unfaithful servants" at your hotel. For emergencies/mishaps they'll have a spare universal key. So, when you leave your passport and mastercard there and the maid "takes you to the cleaners", you'll have no defense. There's no log anywhere of what you actually put in your safe, so when you complain the shady a** hotel you booked by accident will just give a standard apology and tell you that they'll "look into it". What I normally do is to hide my passport folder in my suitcase among my laundry/undies or under the suitcase lining (under the undies). I also spread my valuables so that they're not all in the exact same place. Chances are even if you get unlucky and they get to your valuables, they'll stop and take what they have found and not keep on ransacking you for the rest. 9: STAY COOL No, I don't mean in the #fashionista sense, I mean more in the "keep calm" way. Even if you feel a little nervous, try to give off the vibe that you're a local who knows your way around. Don't look like my mum at the London Tube, clutching her handbag for dear life and glancing nervously from side to side like a startled guineapig. If there ever is a look that screams "lost tourist with cash", it's that look. I walked down the streets of both Vilnius, Lithuania and Riga, Latvia, by myself, at night, in a mini skirt, and never did I feel unsafe. I dressed "like the locals", walked at a normal, calm pace, and carried my handbag normally. You'll draw a lot less unnecessary attention to yourself, and avoid making yourself an obvious target. 10: USE COMMON SENSE Common sense isn't as common as you'd think, and we all do things that later make us go "what the ¤#&£ was I thinking?" and sometimes even "I'm lucky that didn't turn dangerous for me". If something seems iffy and too good to be true, there's usually a reason for it. Check your governments general advice for the particular country you're travelling to. Avoid getting drunk as a lord (especially if you travel alone). Check the news and stay alert. If there's a mass demonstration about to happen, LEAVE. Don't take insane risks and generally, think of what advice you'd give your best friend. Would you tell them to get in that unmarked cab with a driver with a thirsty eye? I hope not, so don't do that yourself! 11: GO OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN! :)

[pod7]

Winter Anime* 2017 Lightning Review

*just the shows I watched of course

Shows included - ACCA: 13-ku Kansatsu-ka, Ai Mai Mi: Surgical Friends, Akiba’s Trip The Animation, All Out!!, BanG Dream!, Chain Chronicle, Chaos;Child, Demi-chan wa Kataritai, ElDLive, Fuuka, Gabriel Dropout, Gintama., Hand Shakers, Kemono Friends, Kobayashi-san chi no Maid Dragon, KonoSuba S2, Kuzu no Honkai, Little Witch Academia, Masamune-kun no Revenge, Minami Kamakura Koukou Joshi Jitensha-bu, Mori no Yousei: Kinoko no Musume, Nobunaga no Shinobi, Nyanko Days, One Room, Onihei, Piace: Watashi no Italian, Pokemon Sun & Moon, Sangatsu no Lion, Seiren, Spiritpact, Urara Meirochou, Youjo Senki

Settle in for some long reviews, and probably the worst reviewed season since I started doing this! Wow!

ACCA: 13-ku Kansatsu-ka It’s a MADhouse production, so I went in pretty sure I would like it. I was a bit wrong on my first impression; I thought it would be a man on the run type show, but it was actually a more nuanced, spy-that-doesn’t-know-he’s-a-spy type story. I liked the character design. It reminded me of some of the manga series in the “non-moe art” tag on Dynasty Scans. I was in love at first sight with Director General Mauve, voiced by Atsuko Tanaka (Motoko, Ghost in the Shell), and hoped she would play a bigger role than she actually did. I was completely taken off guard by Jean’s confession of his feelings for Grossular at the end, which Mauve had in common. If it had to be someone, I would have guessed it to be Niino, in the old ‘observer falls for subject’ cliche. Still, a welcome, and very low-key revelation that is certainly welcome. The music is really great in this series, especially the intro and outro themes. I would have like for some of the female cast members to have more to do; there were seemingly more women in the show, but they hardly ever had any relevancy. Also, a bit more action or urgency would have been nice. It felt towards the end like this would be called “the hipster’s anime”. Definitely recommended. 9/10

Ai Mai Mi: Surgical Friends Just as ridiculous as ever, though it had some oddly serious parts in some episodes as well. I am appreciating more and more the bit during the credits of each episode where an alpaca recounts an awkward tale of the life of the mangaka who writes AMM. I think the randomness is wearing thin now though. 7/10

Akiba’s Trip The Animation I had never played the game before so I didn’t really have any idea what this was about besides being located in Akihabara. It had a lot of parallels with Punch Line, which I noted in my first impression, just chock full of references and insider humor that I think ended up being lost on a lot of the Western viewers (including me, obviously.) I enjoy the first eight or so episodes, but right when most probably thought it got interesting, for me it was like I just couldn’t stand to watch it anymore. I ended up skimming through the last episodes, but honestly, unless you are REALLY into Akihabara as a culture or just otaku interests in general, I would pass on this show, sadly. Having to watch the idol performance more than once was torture. 6/10

All Out!! The not-so-subtle pattern that is emerging in my anime viewing habits, is that I will start a sport or game series, as soon as it becomes entirely focused on the sport or game itself, I lose interest almost immediately. The same unfortunately happened here; as soon as they hit training camp, it was like I was watching a completely different show, and just couldn’t stand to even skim through it at the end. They can’t all be winners, and even MADhouse can’t be perfect all the time. Dropped

BanG Dream! My first impression was pretty much right on the nose; this is literally what would happen if the people behind Love Live adapted K-On. The melodrama of Love Live with similar archetypes to K-On. Unfortunately, no super gorgeous teacher steps in to help, and instead of a school they have to save the local girls-only concert venue by playing a pop rock version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I wish I were kidding. Not horrible or offensive, but just felt like a phoned in effort from the waifu buffet factory. 6/10

Chain Chronicle Sadly I just kind of forgot this show was even on, even though it showed signs of promise, I just couldn’t bring myself to care enough to catch up on it. Dropped

Chaos;Child The edgiest of edge. It made me appreciate the GOOD parts of Occultic;Nine that much more. I might have watched more if the adaptation of the prequel (episode zero) wasn’t just about the most boring thing I’ve watched in years. Dropped

Demi-chan wa Kataritai Top 3 of the season. It definitely felt less wacky than the manga, but I was okay with that. Satou-sensei stole the show, but Machi held her own in my opinion. It was funny to see how fast people tried to turn on the show when Hikari made Machi’s body hug Sensei and he was embarrassed because her boobs pressed into him when he wasn’t expecting it. However with a certain maid being INCREDULOUS, that movement died out before the next episode even came out. It was a good adaptation, and I think may just be my “comfy” show of the season, though again, a certain maid gave it a run for it’s money there too. 9/10

ElDLive I stand by my previous Space Patrol Luluco comparison. It was silly for the sake of being silly, but tried to add various chuuni and action tropes in to spice it up. To be quite honest this was a bit of a stinker, and only watched it for Misuzu to see if she grew any over the season (she did, but just the tiniest bit.) 4/10

FUUKA This was basically KimiKiss Pure Rouge but flipped love interests and included music to make more money off of the property with. It doesn’t do anything new or interesting, and it wasn’t satisfying at all. Like even knowing that Fuuka would end up being the girl the protag had feelings for, I still thought that maybe, just maybe she would do SOMETHING endearing in the least, but no, she just kind of was a brat at all points. Everything was really pretty, but zero substance. 3/10

Gabriel Dropout I think I started reading the manga for this before reading Demi-chan or Maid Dragon, so it’s kind of a surprise that of those three, this felt like the weakest effort. Something was lost in translation to animation to take away the magic presented in print. It was still enjoyable, it just didn’t have the punch I was expecting it to have, and I don’t know if it’s the low key music or the voices or what. Calling it a disappointment is going too far for me, but I certainly thought it would be better. 7/10

Gintama. Top 3 of the season. Pretty much just the adaptation of a single story arc, but an important one. Also, a super kick-ass, pulls no punches season. Loved the hell out of this show before, but this took it to a whole new level. I mentioned in my first impression that the period was a bit scary, but I now see that it was more of an affirmative statement, “GINTAMA, period.” 10/10

Hand Shakers This was really bad. Like, it’s a known thing that this show is bad. It was excruciating to give this show three whole episodes, but I managed it somehow. As admirable as it is that they went out on a limb to make their own original series, that doesn’t save it from being an over-designed, poorly thought out mess of a show. Dropped

Kemono Friends I just want the record to show that I was on board with this show from the very beginning, whereas the MAL user score was as low as 4.2 at the start of the season. It’s the innocence of Serval mixed with the goofiness of the friends, rounded out by the mystery of Kaban that give this show it’s oomph. The character design is really great too. Basically what it boils down to is that this show has four or five things that the internet typically hates when it comes to an anime, yet somehow captured the hearts thousands, from 4chan to tumblr and everywhere in between. It’s hard to imagine this not getting a second season of some kind, whether it’s a continuation of this season or an adaptation of the manga. 9/10

Kobayashi-san chi no Maid Dragon Top 3 of the season. A loving relationship between two adult women, albeit each loves the other in a different way (or do they?) A nurturing and caring relationship between an office worker and a young girl she adopts on sight. A family unit of two moms and a daughter that works. A dragon woman with giant boobs teasing a young boy that meant to summon a demon. Well, okay that last one isn’t exactly the squeaky-cleanest thing to happy this season, but the people who demonize this show because of it are missing out on an other wise great and potentially important series. I was surprised to find this was a KyoAni series; they tend to work in a very specific style, so the fact that this turned out looking anything like the manga is a miracle of it’s own, I think. Once I knew it was KyoAni though, I could see their thumbprints everywhere; the suddenly very poignant moment with great lighting and super appropriate music is something they’ve managed to perfect almost to a fault (to where it feels forced), but the couple examples in this show just added to the already cute moment that was happening. I am writing this the week before the finale, which features the dreaded anime killer Big Boobs Loli, but having read what comes after her initial appearance, I think that, should this get a second season, people will understand her character once the story moves forward (though the big boobs thing is kind of ridiculous, admittedly.) A wonderful, lovely, heart-warming supernatural comedy. 10/10 highest recommendation

KonoSuba S2 I may get some flak for this, but I felt there was a noticeable drop in quality between seasons. The writing was still good, and the performances as always were hilarious, but the animation seemed to have worsened quite a lot. I haven’t read any BTS for this series but it seemed like some of the more involved shots were rushed. Darkness continues to steal the show for me, even though I know Megumin is everyone’s waifu. I think it’s because I tend to always gravitate towards the girl in a show like this that has the least chance of ending up with the protagonist (Nisekoi, Toradora, Zero no Tsukaima, etc.) Not bad by any means, but I’m concerned for a season three should it happen. 8.5/10

Kuzu no Honkai Despicable trash. Soap opera level characters with midnight softcore love scenes between teenagers, some of which are borderline rape at best. Not even the legit lesbian love interest could keep me watching this show, that should tell you everything. Five episodes makes about 90ish minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Dropped, avoid 

Little Witch Academia This didn’t quite get the hype I thought it would, but it still seems most people that watch it are enjoying it immensely. However, I feel like it may be losing steam a bit, which is worrisome since it still has 12 episodes left to go through. It’s a bit frustrating to watch sometimes as someone who watched the first two movies/OVA, waiting for things like Ursula to be revealed as Chariot, and for Akko to get to a respectable level of magic use, things like that. I do enjoy the extra development that Lotte and Sucy have gotten, and I hope it extends to Diana, Amanda and some of the more prominent girls too. Continues!

Masamune-kun no Revenge The show had a bit of a twist on the usual formula, but by the fifth or sixth episode it was pretty clear it was the same old contrived tsundere harem romance series. When the guy seems to have some redeeming qualities, I can stomach a show like that for the sake of decent characters and performances, but this just ended up being a chore to watch. Even the debut of a late game older woman/love interest’s retainer wasn’t enough to save the show for me. I can’t see myself tuning in to a second season of this without some kind of huge plot twist like a female rival that the love interest is actually interested in (ha ha HAHAHAH) 5/10

Minami Kamakura Koukou Joshi Jitensha-bu In my first impression of this show, I wondered if it would be as dumbed down as the previous season’s cycling anime whose name I’ve already forgotten. It is. It’s basically the same show but with more characters. Has a good, cute sensei, but also has generic foreign student trope character, which was insufferable because she was basically the same character as the foreigner in Akiba’s Trip. Dropped

Mori no Yousei: Kinoko no Musume The amateurish charm I thought I saw in the first episode of this show quickly dissolved into frustration. If it had been a high school clubs project, then I would have supported them whole heartedly, but this seems like a bad mobile game cash-in, and unfortunately it came out in a season that had a GREAT mobile game cash-in. Dropped

Nobunaga no Shinobi The first season ends, but the second season starts in like two weeks, so I’m tempted to not even include this, because it’s silly that it will be considered separate seasons. It’s a charming, and surprisingly bloody show about feudal Japan and for those that have studied the history of that time period, there are some great gags pertaining to certain figures not shown in the best of lights. 8/10

Nyanko Days Once again, this was just a cute fluff series that hopefully paves the way for Nukoduke. If you need a cuteness shot in the arm between heavy shows, this is a good choice. 8/10

One Room My hopes that they would keep the viewer genderless were dashed pretty quickly with a onsen episode early on, and then the sickening imouto arc in the middle. The final four episodes featuring the childhood friend chasing her dreams was the redeeming factor here, I would recommend just watching those episodes to be honest. 6/10

Onihei One of the better shows of the season. It has a different vibe to anything else on at the moment, probably because the source was originally published fifty years ago. There is very little that is lost in translation, and I think it plays well to the modern audience. There is a bit of a problem with character design, which @fucktsunderes pointed out to me, that because there’s more realism to it, some of the characters end up looking pretty similar. Actually, not just some, but a lot. To the point where I wasn’t sure if a character that died was a character that I liked or not until they showed up in a later episode. Other than that though, a great crime thriller action show. 9/10

Piace: Watashi no Italian After an incredible year of short form series in 2016, it’s an odd feeling to only have Piace as a stand out show this season. It was just the right about of silly and cute, while also being about food and food service. A highlight is the outro being sang by two different cast members each week, with the finale having everyone singing. 9/10

Pokemon Sun & Moon The most fun I’ve had watching pokemon since I was a kid, fantastic show. I am somehow even more in love with Japan’s Musashi than America’s Jesse. I am definitely on the Mao/Lillie ship. Also the only theme song this season that I listened to for every single episode, it is so awesome. Continues!

Sangatsu no Lion As I covered in my review for All Out, when a show has a game or sport in it, if it becomes too focused on that game or sport, I lose interest quicker than a hiccup. It’s a good show, but the shogi was just not the good part of the show for me. I enjoyed Rei’s interactions with his sister and the three Kawamoto girls the most of the whole season. It’s when the show felt the most alive and relatable to me. Not to mention Momo is just too darn cute. Shaft does cute very well, and also does cold depression very well, too. A spinoff with the Kawamotos as the star would be the ideal second season for me, but I will continue to watch just about anything Shaft decides to gift to us. 8/10

Seiren I should have dropped this show, but I didn’t for some reason. The middle arc was definitely the best, the epilogue was really cute too. Not really much to say about this series, it just kind of was there every week. One of those “each path of the romance vn is animated” shows, so your mileage may vary. 6/10

Spiritpact Yaoi bait adapted from a Chinese comic iirc. The main characters were both unbearable, and the way they treated the first significant female character in the show was gross, so I dropped this quicker than a hot rock. Dropped

Urara Meirochou Controversial opinion time: This show would have been better without Nono and Koume. They added nothing to the story that couldn’t have been done by either Kon or Chiya, and honestly the four girls thing is so over-done that I end up comparing it mentally to all the shows I’ve already seen before I even watch the first episode. The teacher and the... morals officer? Whatever Saku was stole the show, with some great late game performances from Kon’s mother. It was a cute show, and I’ll watch another season if it gets one, but I’d like it to be a bit more focused on the divining stuff going forward, or at least more focused on Kon and Chiya. 8/10

Youjo Senki Not really sure about this show. I spent the first half of the season mistakenly thinking it was glorying the third reich, but even after being corrected, I still didn’t really understand who I was meant to support or sympathize with. I end up rooting for Tanya a lot of the time because I understand a lot of the anti-theological sentiment she has, but I’m not sure that’s really the intent... Like in the last episode, we see the young daughter of the man who was killed by Tanya after encountering more than once enlisting in what is the equivalent of the American army. Rather than sympathy and compassion for what is obviously a scared young woman going for revenge, I felt pity, because I know far too many people in real life who FROG it up big time (that being ‘full relying on God’, btw) when any sort of hardship comes their way. I don’t really think I could watch a second season of this, it would have to be more than just ‘Tanya pushes back against Being X, BX recruits someone else, etc’, like, if Tanya went the whole season pushing back but never heard a peep out of BX, and started to wonder how much of it was just in her head, and began to doubt the things she remembered from her past life, that would be intriguing, but I don’t really see it heading that way. Also, not nearly enough Visha screen time for my taste. 7/10

[breelandwalker]

So... I want to be witchy and practice the craft but I've honestly no idea where to begin. I also don't really have the money to afford supplies like candles and crystals and herbs and stuff (high school student here...) so I'm not even sure if I could practice effectively because of that. I have a couple books, but I'm not sure if the authors are credible or not, so I'm afraid to practice from them. Do you... have any advice or tips?

-big warm smile- Sweetie, come and sit by me. Let’s chat.

First of all, welcome to the community! There’s a lot to learn and a lot of complications and it might take you a while to find your feet, but there’s plenty of folks around who are willing to help. We’re glad you’re here! :)

Now then, supplies and budget concerns. There are SO many witches out there working on a shoestring budget or no budget at all, and they practice just fine.

One of the things that gets fed to us a lot by popular literature and media is that in order to be a witch you need lots of rare herbs and fancy crystals and enough candles to set a small village on fire. Not so. Basic spells can be done with whatever you have to hand. It’s all a matter of working creatively and thinking outside the occult-store box.

You’re a student, yes? So in your accoutrements for school, you’ve got things like paper, pens, tape, maybe some markers and things, right? And your home kitchen, that’s probably got a spice cabinet with some cooking herbs, right? And you’ve got access to the internet (obviously) and a blog.

So…good news! You’ve got everything you need to start your practice.

No candles? No problem! You don’t really need live-flame candles unless you’re working a spell that requires something to be set on fire. You can use LED candles, or a picture of a candle, or a flashlight, depending on what the symbolic need for the item is. Or, if you want, you can skip them altogether.

No herbs? Check that kitchen cabinet. Amazing things can be done with the seasonings that are probably already in your home. Some of my go-to herbs are Basil, Rosemary, Sage, Thyme, Cinnamon, Cayenne, and Ginger, to say nothing of good old salt and black pepper. The spice aisle is a treasure trove for witches on a tight budget, and even more so if you have a local dollar store that carries cheap generic seasonings. You only need a pinch or so of an herb for full effectiveness; a little bit goes a very long way!

No crystals? Again, not a requirement. Some witches work extensively with stones and gems and such, but as with candles, unless you’re working a spell that specifically revolves around the use of a crystal, you don’t really need them when you’re starting out. If you do feel a draw toward crystal magic, small quartz points are easy enough to find as decorative items or jewelry and they tend to be less expensive than most other minerals. (I recommend checking this shop for crystals and such. The owner is a fellow witch and her product is very good quality and very reasonably-priced.)

With paper and pencil, you can work on creating your own sigils, make paper charms or poppets, practice writing spells, or take notes on things that interest you. Blogs are a great way of doing this as well; plenty of witches have blogs that function as digital repositories for their magical learning.

As for the other stuff (i.e. cauldrons, jars, besoms, statues, incense, etc), all that can wait. The most important thing that you can do as a beginner witch is research. And not just with books either. The internet can be a great source of information, so long as you don’t mind exercising those critical thinking skills.

Witchy tumblr has taught me a whole slew of things that I never would have learned from books; some stuff about the community you can only learn from other people, and it largely deals with social awareness and etiquette. Generally, if you follow Wheaton’s Law (“Don’t be an asshole”), you should be fine.

Getting back to books…yes. There ARE pagan authors who are very popular and very problematic. The only two that I recommend avoiding wholesale are Silver Ravenwolf and Raymond Buckland, due to the rampant racism and misinformation found in their rhetoric. There are others that should be avoided for other reasons, but those are the two you see in bookstores most often. (My post on other authors and their issues is here.)

EVERY pagan author is problematic in some way (including me) because there are so many viewpoints in the community about what is and is not acceptable in the craft. Generally, you want to avoid (or at least heavily fact-check) anything that tells you the following:

There is only ONE WAY to be a witch / practice witchcraft (wrong)

There are only Certain People Who Can Be Witches (fraud)

Christians are evil / stole our holidays / burned millions of witches (lies)

It’s perfectly okay to cherry-pick whatever you want from other cultures and traditions and cobble it together however you please (NO)

You can’t do magic without deities / witchcraft is a religion (try again)

You can only do magic for pure good / for the good of others (haha no)

In order to be a witch, you must join a coven / undergo initiation / be trained by a person of certain rank / perform certain rituals / own certain objects / work your rituals naked / follow (or not follow) a certain religion / make vows to a certain deity or set of deities (nope nope and uh NOPE)

Whatever you end up reading, definitely supplement that learning with research on practical history (that boring stuff you learn from dusty old tomes) and a good dose of practical botany or herbology (knowing which plants do what so you don’t accidentally give yourself an allergy attack or a dose of poison).

If you’d like a place to get started, I do maintain a website with lots of free information on plant-based cottage craft (the way I do it, anyway) and advice for beginner witches. I also have a book in the process of being published that you might find useful. My two collaborative projects, The Sisters Grimmoire and The Witches Cupboard, are available on Amazon in print and on Kindle.

And if you have more questions, feel free to ask. :)

(Wow this one got away from me. But I hope it helps!)

[drewkatchen]

No one knows like I know/how little a trip can teach you -- Hellbender

I’ve got this unorganized batch of old photographs in my closet, and it’s haunting me a little, silently vying for my attention every morning and every evening whenever I slide open the doors for socks or shirts. Pictures from the last three decades, pictures I didn’t take but somehow now possess, pictures that immediately shuttle me to moments I don’t seem to consider enough anymore, pictures of people long gone. Generally it’s enough to let old images just sit around for years or linger on your phone, but I’m trying to maintain this here Tumblr as a repository for old photographs and the stories behind them, so it gnaws at me when I know there are pics that deserve the light of day. And even if no one really reads this, it’s enough for me to sit and ruminate a bit here on what I see and what I recall from the past, however distant or not.

Space is the real culprit here. Any kind of space really is a premium in our apartment, which means that most old pictures, books and nostalgia (but not my records) have gone for the moment to storage space purgatory in central Jersey, just waiting for the day they’ll be retrieved and properly displayed. Unless my apartment begins magically expanding, that day will only come when Ryan and I buy a home, and I’m still not exactly sure when that will be, but here’s hoping sooner than later.

But there’s this shiny metal box I bought from Ikea years and years ago, and inside are the whittled-down contents of days past, maybe a collection of around 100 or more pictures. I guess I bought this box for the very purpose of storing random things, but maybe I just liked how it looked. Who knows, but now it’s the tiny storehouse of some good ole memories.

Last week, I forced myself to reckon with some of what was in there, namely some images I took as a freshman in college on either a Kodak or Polaroid disposable camera in 1996. I loved those. Or, perhaps I loved them because they were everywhere and cheap to purchase. Their quality maybe not amazing, but all around from purchase to printing, the whole affair was affordable. My mom used to take them to Sam’s Club in North Charleston to have them printed, and I remember the developed rolls would be in bins near the front of the shop, and you could just go in and grab them and pay for them at the register. Different times, for sure.

College was a really unique time in my life, as it is for all teens who leave home and set out on that perilous journey of education and self-discovery with a ton of other delinquents. It was unique, but at the time I didn’t party, whatever that means, and I didn’t have a ton of dough in my pocket, so there wasn’t a lot going on. Just a lot of cheap coffee and hanging out in the dorm and at $5 punk shows.

It really was heaven.

Without relationship partners to our name, my friend Glen and I decided we would spend Spring Break ‘96 in Virginia Beach, Virginia, a city you would think based on the name would be an island paradise in the spring, but was really just a semi-cold deserted beach town for the time we were around. And to me that’s pretty much what I recall wanting. It was a fun trip, even if on its face it didn’t make much sense. If it was a beach town we were really wanting, we should have been heading south. But we were weirdos who craved the opposite of what everyone else wanted, I guess.

***

At my core, I’m a nostalgist; It’s just how I’m hardwired. Most of my family isn’t best I can tell, but I certainly am. I guess I should say I’m a nostalgist for some things and not others, like insignificant mid-Atlantic towns, humid summer days and malls and skate shops and ramps I used to know. I moved around so much as a kid that permanence wasn’t much of a real thing, but I learned early on I could at least carry the memory of something in a song or on a cable channel that followed us to a new city or home. It’s kinda sad, but also kinda true for a kid. That stuff is portable, and it’s probably why music meant so much to me then and why it means so much now. And it seems as though after hearing Bruce Hornsby’s ‘The Way It Is’ in a shop the other day, with its Am, Em, D, C, G and back to Am phrasing it was a deep trigger back to that four-year stretch when I lived in the suburbs of Virginia Beach, unsure of life but in love with MTV, the family VCR and my Walkman -- anything that could transport me to another place. It felt like a bolt of lightning running through me to hear the song. You have to understand it’s a song that is objectively fine, but it was so ubiquitous when I was younger, that the song isn’t just the song, but it’s a host for attendant memories and sounds and people. Everyone experiences this. But also, there’s just something about those really familiar, way overplayed notes that go straight to me, even if all my punk friends at the time would dismiss it as pablum for parents. It’s unsettling how a pop song can exert such dominion over me.

Now, I bring this all up because nostalgia was the main driver of this trip to Virginia (and the main driver of this post and blog); Somehow I convinced Glen to travel there with me and stay at the home of a family friend (older folks whose kids had left for good) because all I wanted to do was go back and see a town I’d lived in the decade before. I was a military kid and so were most of the kids around me in my neighborhood; a decade later, I had no one to really go back to. Those were friendships I was too young to nurture from a distance; they could only flourish in close quarters. I hadn’t really the chance to venture back after my family moved further south to Charleston, and the idea of crossing city limits was thrilling. Just the idea of driving those really generic suburban roads I used to know was intoxicating. Why? I think maybe by the time I had gotten settled as a kid into a new city or new home, we would be pulling up stakes and I would be saying goodbye to the few kids who cared about my presence. Maybe I just wanted to see if any part of me still responded to those old neighborhoods. Perhaps I would see myself doing a street plant on Chestnut Hill Road. Maybe I would see a younger, happier version of my mother sunning herself alone with a book at Dam Neck, a wide-brimmed beach hat hiding her face. Man, she could turn heads back in her day. 

But like I said, there’s something satisfying in returning to old haunts, even when you’re just a 19-year-old kid looking for old ditches to skate. Glen had no connection to the place, but it was cool; he had his board and we cruised in his GMC just taking in the sights. We got along great.

For our trip, I remember visiting Mount Trashmore, basically a pilgrimage for young skate kids. I was disappointed to learn the concrete snake runs were filled in, but it was comforting to see the half-pipe still there in all its glory. I remember swimming at the rec center I used to love, and even going so far as to get a tour of my old home, a deal brokered by a friend of my mother. I was grateful for the visit and struck by how miniature everything felt. As a seven-year-old it felt palatial, teeming with weird nooks for hiding out, but now it just felt like what it always was: an average suburban home on an average street. My bedroom now just a small box with white walls and a stranger’s furniture and posters. I could see myself sitting at my old beater desk, listening to the radio on my boom box and reading issues of Thrasher. I could remember the time my neighbor John spent the night; we ended up sleeping in the same bed, no doubt something that probably excited me even at the age of eight. Standing, in the kitchen, I recalled the time someone prank called our house the one time I remember being alone, a call so strange and unsettling it prompted me to run outside and stand in the driveway until my mom came home from her errands. I remember the prank calls happening again and my mother calling the police after it continued. I remember the police coming to our house once because of the calls.

I thought about Brian and how it’s been something like twenty-five years since I last saw him. I can still see him in his catching gear, squinting in the sun to grab a fly ball.

In the end, Virginia was a way station, a midpoint geographically and metaphorically between my birthplace of New Jersey and Charleston, the place where my nuclear family finally settled down and planted very small roots. I’ve really only gone back to Virginia Beach twice just to see things, about a decade ago (and about a decade after my spring break trip), and I haven’t felt the need to go back anymore, even if I still sometimes sit and think on those days, especially when presented with old images I happen to dig out of my closet.

My freshman-year trip to Virginia’s answer to Venice Beach was remarkable if for no other reason than I spent that time in something of a spiritual archeological dig masquerading as a skate, goof-off trip. I got to see up close again the town that helped make me; the town that my family never talks about. The time when I lived there and the time when I visited in college are both long gone, and honestly, I still haven’t quite figured out what that town means to me or where it fits in shaping my identity or if it did at all. I remember a lot of time in pools and watching bigger kids skate better than me, and I remember coming home after school and seeing my mom crumpled on the couch, crying as she watched the footage of the Challenger explosion. I had no idea how to comfort her; death at my age then wasn’t knowable to me.

But the town and that time is there somewhere, and I’ve got the disposable camera pictures to prove it.

Also, I’m pretty sure Glen lives now in Virginia with his wife and kid. Maybe that trip is to blame.

Night